The Brown children, Dick and Lotty, this week expressed disappointment with their recent four week stay at Aunt Fanny and Uncle Tom's farm. While "pleased as punch" to be heading back to the countryside after a long year at boarding school, the children soon discovered that unpleasant changes had occurred since their last visit.
"For one thing," Dick said, "Merrylegs [the farm's resident spaniel] went mad over winter and Uncle Tom had to shoot him. And Uncle Tom won't talk to Aunt Fanny any more. He says she's a biscuit-baking bull-dyke."
The children were horrified to discover that the Enchanted Forest, where in previous summers they had spent hours creating a rich imaginary world, had been cleared by loggers.
"I asked Uncle Tom, 'Whatever will become of funny Mr Sun-Cheeks, or Miss Titty, the sociopathic washerwoman?'" said Lotty. "He told me they've been pulped and turned into Ikea furniture and cheap porno magazines, just like the rest of the forest. It's ever so horrid!"
Dick revealed that even the nearby Smuggler's Cave had been transformed.
"Once upon a time, we had ripping adventures in that cave, especially with our gang, the Fantastic Fourteen. Now it's full of broken glass and teenagers with no pants on. I saw one boy's winkie. It was positively ghastly!"