Wednesday, March 30, 2005

DIY Orgasms

by Kent Fidget, sex educator

Yo kids! What's the haps? I've been "surfing" the net lately, and I've noticed that there's a bit of confusion out there about a crazy thing called "masturbation". Big word, huh? Well, I was a kid once - not so long ago! - and I remember what it was like, hearing words like "masturbation" in the schoolyard and not knowing what they meant, trying to look "cool" and saying, "Yeah, how about that masturbation?" while all the time wanting to vomit for fear of having my ignorance exposed. What's worse, if you don't know what "masturbation" means, you probably don't know what "masturbation" is - and that is something you definitely don't want to remain ignorant about. So I've prepared this "wicked" little guide to "masturbation". I hope you get something out of it. By the way, don't be put off by the "DIY" of the title. There are woodworking skills involved, but of a rather different sort to what you'll see on Backyard Blitz!

What is "masturbation"?

The Oxford Dictionary of Funny Words defines "masturbation" as follows:

1. The stimulation of the genitals by any means other than sexual intercourse.
2. Heaps of fun!

Who can "masturbate"?

Just about anybody can have a go. All you need is some genitals (preferably your own to begin with, but later you might like to try it out on your friends - just make sure you ask their permission first!) and something to stimulate them with!

How do I "masturbate"?

Girls: The first thing to do is find your clitoris. If you don't know where your clitoris is, you might want to track down an animated film called The Adventures of the Little Man in the Boat, which will answer all your questions in a frank and entertaining manner. Once you've found your clitoris, it's time to give it some attention. Pretend its grandmother has just died and you are consoling it. Rub its shoulders in a circular motion, chock it under the chin, tickle it to "cheer it up". This should produce feelings of pleasure, hopefully leading to multiple orgasms.

Boys: Grab your penis. Pull. Repeat.

Does "masturbation" hurt?

Only if you want it to, kids. Hey, when I was a youngster (not so long ago!) I used to "masturbate" my dinger until the cows came home - and then I'd "masturbate" some more! Sometimes it got a little bit sore, but I'd just get out some soothing cream, slather it on and...well, start "masturbating" again!

If I "masturbate", will I go blind?

No! This is a silly wive's tale intended to discourage young dudes and dudettes like you from exploring your bodies. "Masturbation" is actually a fully sick thing to do, and completely harmless! I'm "masturbating" right now, and my vision is in no way impeded - although it does make typing rather difficult!

So I can "masturbate" - what next?

"Masturbation" is a life-long friend. As long as you can stimulate your own genitals, you will never be bored! And when you start applying your technique to other people's genitals, the fun multiplies accordingly!

Now you know what "masturbation" is, you might like to learn more about the wonderful world of sex. My new book, 101 Things To Do With a Stiffy & Other Tips For Teens is available now! It includes all the info you'll need to become a totally orgasmic person! In the meantime, happy wankin', dudes!


Jon said...

Ok...I did what you said and now it's fallen off. Please send help.

Blindy said...

My little man in the boat is out to see in a big swhite squall - what do I do....

Tim said...

Jon, Kent Fidget informs me that replacement parts are available from the manufacturer, so long as the damaged unit is still under warrantee. If not, there are some very good surgeons in Sth America who should be able to assist.