Melbourne couple Melissa and Mark Stevens last night reaffirmed their love with a session of post-argument coitus that Stevens analysts have described as "disappointing".
Don Ross, neighbour and long-time follower of the Stevens' domestic imbroglios, told Sterne that, given the couple had argued heatedly for several hours, the make-up sex was something of a let down.
"Don't get me wrong," said Mr Ross, "I loved the fight. It was a right old barney. I guess I just had my hopes up about the sex."
Mr Ross reported that the couple, whose marriage has been a roller-coaster ride of lust, bitterness and intrigue, argued from "about eight to ten-thirty", when they became contrite and teary.
"This is where it usually gets good," said Mr Ross, who spent the evening with his ear pressed to the wall separating the Stevens' flat from his own. "One night they started doing it right there. I could literally hear the clothes hitting the carpet."
Last night, however, things were rather subdued.
"They were definitely doing something. I could hear the occasional moan, the odd grunt, but none of the screaming, howling, arse-slapping passion they usually serve up. Frankly, I think they were both a little tired and off their game."
Mr Ross said that he was looking forward to the couple's next post-argument relations.
"I should have my hidden cameras set up by then."