by guest blogger, Jared from Subway
Hi, I'm Jared from Subway. You know, I used to be real fat, so fat that children would run away from me, fearing I was going to eat them - and they were right. I had a big problem, and I was sitting on it. One day at my local swimming pool, I was splashing around, demonstrating the law of displacement, when I decided that enough was enough. It was time to get fit, or else spend the rest of my life as a big fat loser.
But what was the use of standing up to my obesity if it meant sitting straight back down and fanning myself with a magazine? I needed an easy way to break through the fat-barrier; and that's when the nice people at Subway turned up and offered to buy me a sandwich.
Now, I was never one for Subway. To be honest, I always thought the food smelled like vomit. Say what you like about McDonalds, I used to say, but at least it doesn't stink like regurgitated offal. But the Subway people talked me round. Subway is just like a durian, they told me. Sure it smells like chuck, but the taste, well, that's a whole other story!
So I tried a few sandwiches, just to humour them, and yeah, after about twenty chicken teriyaki subs I got used to the vomit smell and began to enjoy myself. These things are pretty good, I said, and they've got how much less fat than a Big Mac?
I signed with Subway later that day, and went straight onto a special diet. It was subs, morning, noon and night. Pretty soon I was traveling around the country, giving motivational talks to overweight young people. You don't want to be fat, do you? I would ask them. Go on, name me some fat people who have actually done something.
They'd start throwing the names of famous tubbies at me: Hermann Goering, Santa Claus, John Candy, Andre the Giant. Bah! I'd say. Bunch of losers! Get on the Subway diet, kids, and join the winners club. Alexander the Great? Skinny. Julius Caesar? Skinny. Franklin D. Roosevelt? Damned if he wasn't skinny!
Nowadays I'm still sucking down the subs like I'm getting them for nothing (which I am). I prowl the streets, sleek and slender, like an albino panther with glasses. Even got me a girlfriend, Mindy, who likes her daily foot long, if you know what I mean. And it's all thanks to Subway sandwiches. So kids, if your tushie's got a wide-load sign hanging off it, get yourself down to your local Subway store - there's one replacing an independent take-away outlet near you soon. And tell 'em Jared sent you.