Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The Pacifier

a dialogue between Vin Diesel's pectoral muscles

Right Pectoral: Ah, my sinistral friend. Come and sit down. Let's discuss The Pacifier, in which you and I feature prominently.

Left Pectoral: When not obscured by one of Vin's myriad white t-shirts, that is.

R: True, but for every scene in which Vin is be-shirted, there are two in which you and I are given free reign to flicker and flex.

L: Yes. I maintain that the film was a mistake, though. A Disney film? Diaper jokes and lessons learned? Not exactly the kind of thing that springs to mind when Vin's name is mentioned.

R: I enjoyed it immensely.

L: What about all those gags about Vin having boobs. You realise they were directed at us, don't you?

R: Of course, but it was all in fun.

L: "Fun"? Psha! Fun has no place in a Vin Diesel film!

R: The kids seem to be enjoying it. Not so the critics, but what do you expect?

L: Oh yeah, my favourite was that guy...what's his name? What was his big line?

R: Um... ah yes. "Vin Diesel is awful. You'd be better off staying at home with un bouteille de vin rouge".

L: How pretentious is that?

R: Agreed, but it's bums on seats that count, not the ravings of some sniffy critic.

L: I also think that you and I were given precious little to do apart from standing around looking good.

R: I don't know. We offer good support in the fight with the ninjas, and the bit where Vin beats up the brother from Everybody Loves Raymond.

L: Pity it's a kid's flick. Wouldn't have minded a couple of sex scenes with the foxy mum from Gilmore Girls.

R: Tsk. Always taking it to the gutter, aren't you. This is what comes of hanging out with Arnie's pecs. It's all about titties and roids with pecs like that.

L: Hey, they're good guys. Don't forget Pumping Iron. Finest pec work in film history. Trailblazing.

R: I'm not denying their star qualities, just saying I don't have much time for their sort.

L: Anyway, surely you must admit that The Pacifier isn't exactly our finest hour.

R: I saw it recently and the cinema was packed with swooning teenage girls. I'd say job well done.

L: What do teenage girls know about art?

R: Very little. But they know what they like.

L: Now who's heading to the gutter?

R: Look, this conversation is getting old. I'm off to pump some weights. See you at the gym later?

L: Sure. Got to be prepared for Vin's next rubbish film. Probably a romantic comedy or some such crap, now that Ice Cube's taken over the XXX franchise.

R: So long as he gets his shirt off frequently and there are fights with ninjas, I'll be happy.

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