Rachael Flange, 16, is pleased to announce that her first round of drug experimentation has yielded uniformly positive results.
"I'm just so happy with the outcome," she told Sterne in between lollipops. "You hear all these stories of people having negative results during the experimental stage, but so far all data points to me having a really good time in the future."
Flange's initial experiments were undertaken at a local laboratory (some guy named Rob's house) under clinical conditions last Saturday night.
"We were listening to some music, burning some candles, talking," said Flange. "Then the boys started passing around a bong and I thought, hey, what better time to experiment?"
The results of the experiment - published in an email to best friend Caitlyn McGraw the following day - indicate that "a wicked, trippy time" was had by all.
Flange has already scheduled her next round of experiments.
"Caitlyn and I are going to do some e's this weekend. Hopefully, the shit-faced matrix will remain stable if the input data is uncorrupted, otherwise the whole system will crash, which could see my parents withdraw my funding indefinitely."