Monday, May 02, 2005

101 Things To Do Before You Die

1. French kiss the inside of your elbow
2. Clock Super Mario 64
3. Attend the opening of a supermarket
4. Perfect your ironing technique
5. Learn to order McDonald's in Esperanto
6. Stay up until midnight
7. Start writing a novel, then give up a few thousand words in
8. Send a message in a bottle and get fined for littering
9. Stalk a celebrity
10. Learn to hula
11. Read the Cliff's Notes for War and Peace
12. Build a garage out of cardboard boxes
13. Train a dog to hunt slugs
14. Go to Walden Pond and throw your copy of Thoreau at a duck
15. Use the words "Jean-Luc Goddard" in a conversation
16. Spend a night in the gutter
17. Learn to play Go Fish
18. Spackle something
19. Shave your genitals
20. Spend Christmas Day vandalising church nativity scenes
21. Change your name to Kimberly
22. Buy a sensible car
23. Give to charity
24. Make sure everybody knows you give to charity
25. Pash the Blarney Stone
26. Fart in a dog's face
27. Grow a double chin
28. Wear a hat with a pompom
29. Tell a random stranger they have a pubic hair between their teeth
30. Throw a huge party to which nobody is invited
31. Host a parasite
32. See the Eiffel Tower on a postcard
33. Enjoy an episode of Golden Girls
34. Spy for the Russians
35. Heckle a bus driver
36. Watch a documentary about the Sahara
37. Misquote Shakespeare
38. Compliment somebody on their facial warts
39. Invent false etymologies for six common words
40. Spit on a newsreader
41. Pretend to care who shot JFK
42. Brew your own beer
43. Pour your own beer down sink
44. Spend a weekend in Albury-Wodonga
45. Write a poem about yeast infections
46. Arbitrarily boycott consumer items and claim to have principles
47. Come out of the closet and hit somebody in the eye
48. Burn a witch
49. Record an ultra-low-fi album on a dictaphone
50. Keep a detailed record of your bowel movements
51. Go skinny-dipping in a pool of radioactive waste
52. Exaggerate your Trivial Pursuit prowess
53. Attend a wife-swapping party without bringing a wife
54. Drive a ride-on lawn mower
55. Mispronounce the word "library"
56. Seduce an inanimate object
57. Start an unpopular cult
58. Pierce your eyeball
59. Buy a qualification from a dodgy online university
60. Travel back in time, kill your infant self
61. Neglect your aging parents
62. Learn how to use an obsolete piece of technology
63. Pine for the good old days
64. Be condescending towards an ethnic group
65. Like a band's old stuff better than their new stuff
66. Write a letter-to-the-editor beginning, "Why oh why..."
67. Compare a loved-one's head to an artichoke
68. Put out a match on your tongue
69. Snigger at the number 69
70. Use the phrase "know what I mean?" while waggling your eyebrows suggestively
71. Utter nothing but the word "fist" for an entire day
72. Develop a fetish involving bazookas
73. Think Shannon Noll is "all right"
74. Bash somebody with a stocking full of Ninja Turtle figurines
75. Make out with your conjoined twin
76. Write something witty in the dirt on your car's rear window
77. Develop pelvic floor muscles of steel
78. Enter a house in winter and say, "Brrrrrr!"
79. Fill out your tax return using Egyptian hieroglyphics
80. Quit smoking and take up self-righteous posturing
81. Pretend to be possessed by the spirit of Emily Bronte
82. Know nothing about art, not even what you like
83. Spend your life savings on mixed lollies
84. Worry inordinately about leaves getting into your house's gutters
85. Vote for somebody who lies to you
86. Be delighted, yet provoked, by the whimsy of Michael Leunig
87. Perform stand-up comedy on a tram
88. Take Andrea Bocelli seriously
89. Bake a file with a cake in it
90. Plait your eyebrows
91. Defend your right to own a gun by shooting somebody
92. Clean that weird stain off the couch
93. Use the words "doof doof" to describe dance music
94. Learn to paint shitty watercolour landscapes
95. Become gripped by existential dread
96. Develop incredibly elastic jowls
97. Learn to pilot a tugboat
98. Use your stomach as a stable table
99. Get really fucking sick of writing a "101 Things To Do Before You Die" list
100. Fail to complete tiresome tasks, no matter how close you are to the end


shane said...

I will do the following five by the end of the week: 16, 34, 30, 14 and 83. That should get rid of that existential dread! And if it doesn't, you'd better have another solution.

Recreativo Narcótico said...

i jus tried number 1.


Eddie McGuires left lung said...

I have done 17 whilst doing 25. Usually doing 29 and most definately 65.

Ta ta

mscynic said...

It's quite scary how much of your list I have already achieved.

Today, I'm going to try #81. During my tute. Keep you posted.

Jon said...

I just tried to 18 my 19's. It did not end well.

Nick said...