We need to talk. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and have concluded that our relationship is not working out. There are serious communication problems. You never ask me what I think, or what I feel. It's like my opinion doesn't count. That's why I've taken up with somebody who is interested in my views. Yes, it's true - I'm with Channel Nine, now.
Things came to a head last week when I wanted to go to the filming of Nine's Schapelle's Nightmare: The Untold Story and give my judgment on the case. You said something like, "It's not up to us to decide, we aren't in possession of all the facts, and participating in this sort of populist, justice-as-entertainment bullshit demeans Corby and may even jeopardise her case." You're always such a downer about this sort of thing, with your ethics and "let's get our facts straight" and "what do we know?" and so on. For Christ's sake, it's not about knowing! If people had to know about every subject they voiced an opinion on, there'd be nothing to talk about. So because of your negativity, I missed out on my chance to influence the worm. Do you know what that would have meant to me? More than you can possibly imagine!
I'd had enough. I started visiting ninemsn and participating in their daily polls. You're not expected to weigh up evidence, or debate ethics or law, or any of that silly stuff. You just have to give an opinion. For instance, today's question is, "Will Schapelle Corby's letter to the Indonesian PM assist her case?" I voted yes, because I think her true-blue honesty will shine through, and if she's enclosed a photo then she'll have doubled her chances. She's a very attractive young woman, you know.
The point is that Nine doesn't expect me to engage in rational debate. Nine holds my every reaction dear, the more knee-jerk and ill-considered the better. Nine wants my opinion on questions like "Do you believe drug use is 'commonplace' among football players?" even though any answer I give will be, at best, an uneducated guess. That's the kind of trust that comes with true love. You are always doubting, always asking questions, wanting more evidence. Well, I'm with Channel Nine now, so I don't have to worry about any of that stuff anymore.