Night comes early at this time of year, bringing loneliness and depression. No sooner have I extricated myself from my twisted, sweat-stained sheets, wiped the vomit stains from my chin and cracked open a stubby than the cruel, white disc of the sun sinks beyond the horizon and it is time for The Price Is Right. There is nothing to do but sit in my chair listening to the inane staccato of the theme song, smoking filterless Malboros, peering through the haze at my ever-retreating prospects of happiness.
Then, just as I'm reaching for a bottle of vodka and a copy of Finally Legal, a shaft of light illuminates the gloom. I fall to my knees, arms raised in ecstacy, as a sensibly-dressed goddess manifests before me. It is 6:25 p.m., and Livinia Nixon is about to present the National Nine News weather report.
This is my little dawn, a brief moment of sunshine before darkness closes in on me like a pack of knife-wielding werewolves in the carpark of a deserted 7-11. Livinia! - prinked and perky, dainty fingers tracing isobars like veins, soft lips mouthing forecasts, of cold fronts and possible showers and probable heart-break. Oh, my sweet, angelic former co-host of Hey Hey It's Saturday! If only you knew how much I desire you, how much my body trembles at the touch of the hand I have shaved and manicured and nail-painted and christened Livvy in your honour!
Please don't think me sick or perverted. This is a pure love, one that has been developing ever since you first graced Australian TV on those Malteser commercials. I had fantasies - oh, this is silly, but I've confessed so much already! - fantasies of metamorphosing into a Malteser. You would slip me into your mouth and I would melt into you. Can you imagine it, Livinia? Then I would open your sweet petals, and...well, a gentleman thrives on mystery, so I will leave the rest to your imagination.
I have stayed true, Livinia, even when you were running around with Lord Mayor John So. I knew it wouldn't last. All that talk about this "gwik city" could never to impress a woman like you. Now I hear you are going to co-host the new Sale of the Century. Well, if you're selling, Livinia, I'm buying - buying up big for the winter. There's a lot of lonely nights to fill, but with you on the screen and Livvy in my lap things aren't quite so bad.