For many months I have felt a need growing deep within me, a spiritual need that could not be fulfilled by fantasising about Livinia Nixon or listening to music or reading The Super League of Upstanding Citizens (formerly the Herald Sun). Living the life of a vaguely hedonistic atheist was getting me down. To whom could I turn to when things got tough? Voltaire, David Hume, Richard Dawkins? No - their sort can provide little consolation to a soul trapped in a purgatory of doubt. Then last night, in a dream, a figure appeared, beckoning me towards a great orb of pure light suspended in an infinite darkness. I moved towards it, feeling my every nerve caressed by a gentle, yet firm, sensation of love, and when I woke I found myself infused with the spirit of the Lord.
Yes, dear reader, I have been born again, this time proceding not from a maternal orifice, but from a benevolent God's love. I trail behind me not a placenta, but the love of Christ, our Saviour. The angelic midwives of heaven have wiped my fluid-slickened soul down, bathed me in a pink plastic tub of Jesus' blood, wrapped me in a warm Holy Spirit, and presented me to my new, loving Father as his everlasting servant. And I feel peace, glorious peace, settle upon my being.
So - on with the renouncing! I hereby renounce all desires of the flesh, especially ones that involve spatulas. I renounce alcohol, and all stimulants, including tobacco, marijuana, crack-cocaine, and Lindt chocolate balls. I renounce non-devotional music, particularly rock and/or roll, and jazz, the music of the heathen black. I renounce coffee and tea, and biscuits shaped like teddy bears. I renounce literature, save that approved by the Church of Moneybag Saints, Box Hill Chapter.
Now for some denouncing. I denounce homosexuals and all who dwell within them. I denounce secular humanism and all other left-wing materialist ideologies. I denounce Voltaire, David Hume and Richard Dawkins. I denounce all other religions, sects, cults, secular societies, and fan clubs, especially those associated with Big Brother, which I also denounce. I denounce all humanity who fail to enter the one true Church, who abjure salvation in favour of a life of sin. When you end up in Hell, I will be sure to send you a telegram from Heaven denouncing you.
I both renounce and denounce blogging in all its forms, particularly the kind of undergraduate rubbish I have been turning out here for the past six months. From this day forth I devote myself to spreading the Word of God. I hope you will join me.
Tomorrow: Denouncing and Renouncing: A Practical Guide
Saturday: What's Up With Other Faiths? They're Going To Hell, That's What
Sunday: Day of Rest