Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Ask Jack Bauer

Dear Jack,

My husband has been behaving strangely. He comes home at odd hours, he seems flustered and distant, and he often disappears into the backyard to make calls on his mobile. I am worried he is having an affair, but I fear confronting him about it. What should I do?


Jack says: Your husband is clearly hiding something, be it an affair or a plot to kill the President. In my experience, the best way to extract information from an unwilling subject is to put a bullet into one of his thighs. You then aim the gun at his other thigh and ask your question. Nine times out of ten, you'll get your answer. While this may seem extreme, we live in troubled times, and sometimes ethical norms have to be cast aside in favour of the greater good.

Dear Jack,

My son recently started hanging out with a new group of friends, and I believe they have gotten him involved in drug use and petty crime. I am loath to question him, however, because his mood is so volatile. What is the most subtle way of broaching this subject with him?


Jack says: Two words, Harry: hand-cuffs. Once restrained by a good pair of cuffs, your son can be as volatile as he likes without posing any threat to yourself. Since you requested a subtle technique, I suggest you produce an iron bar and intimate that if your questions aren't answered, said iron bar will be used against your son's person. Perhaps demonstrate on some kind of soft melon - I find watermelons produce the greatest "splatter effect". By this time, your son will be owning up to everything he's ever done. If that happens to include plotting against the state, so much the better.

Dear Jack,

A co-worker recently began complimenting me on my appearance. At first I was flattered, but since then his remarks have become increasingly crude, and I now feel ill at the thought of seeing him. How can I tell him to ease off without offending him or embarassing myself?


Jack says: Unfortunately, this problem cannot be solved with torture, but obviously violence should be used wherever possible. Ideally, you would take your tormenter out to the car park and pistol-whip him within an inch of his life, but this is not always practical in an office environment. Try this: Allow him to continue his "compliments" for a few more days. Then, when you find yourself alone with him, knee him in the testicles and, while he is bent over in agony, smash his head into the wall a few times. Explain your concerns about his behaviour, then search his pockets. If you turn up anything you believe threatens national security continue the beating. Otherwise, leave him to bleed. He will have learned his lesson.


Rex said...

Love it.

MrLefty said...

Genius. You know, I've never watched 24, and really have no idea what it's about, except that on the way home last night they were playing an advertisement for it on the radio. Said advertisement was all about how Jack was up against BAD EVIL MEN who OPERATED OUTSIDE THE RULES but that it was okay because JACK'S HAPPY TO OPERATE ABOVE THE LAW TOO TO MAKE SURE THE GOODIES WIN.

Dear. God.

Tim said...

Jack's advice in this post is a pretty accurate reflection of the show's ethical stance. In the current season, Jack barely got forty minutes into episode one before trying out the old bullet-in-the-thigh technique, while on last night's episode Jack's agency was torturing the son of the (kidnapped) Secretary of Defence! (Not the quickest way to a promotion, I'd say.) While I find the show generally amusing, the blithe acceptance of torture and "above the law" vigilanteism is quite disturbing. Not to mention the constant Middle Eastern stereotypes. And the hackneyed storylines and cliched dialogue. Come to think of it, I don't know why I watch the damn thing at all!