Friday, July 29, 2005

Inappropriately Touched By An Angel

The religious community of Australia is abuzz in the wake of a statement issued to the police by Mrs. Beryl Trotter last night. The 72 year old parishoner and part-time cleaning lady of St Reginald the Garrulous' church has alleged that whilst sweeping in front of the altar and humming a few bars of 'Hail Mary, You So Fine', she felt the hand of the Lord fall upon her nether regions.

Turning, Beryl saw what she claims was an angel - it was a being of terror and beauty that stood before her, born in the instant of Creation and all ablaze with the furious power of the Word: the thought of God made flesh. It asked if she 'wanted a root'.

Naturally, Beryl dropped her broom and ran, or at least waddled very fast. She explains in her statement, "I know He loves everyone, but that's no call to get physical. I mean, it was very flattering and all, but there's laws against that sort of thing in the workplace. Anyway, I'm not sure I can give the Lord what He needs. My Henry was always a bit...over-enthusiastic...if we hadn't, you know, gotten conjugal for a while; it's been 2000 years since God got involved with a gel. And anyway, look at all the trouble that caused."

The Vatican is yet to make an official comment, although sources close to the pope have admitted that his Holiness is extremely displeased, and has said that even if Beryl didn't go all the way, she should at least have knelt before the Lord. What He wants, He should get, as far as the pope is concerned, and if He wants an elderly broom-jockey, so be it. The Lord puts on the moves in mysterious ways.

Meanwhile, the police continue to look into the matter; rumours that their investigation is based on reports of the local vicar, the Reverend Ronald Tumble, being last seen at the local supermarket purchasing a blonde wig, chicken-wire, a bag of feathers and two hundred pounds of glitter are still to be confirmed.


Chris Fryer said...

Thats bloody fantastic news. You'll have to tell Marcel White about this one.

It's great that Tim might be able to make it. But Jon can you come too? It would be great if you could both make it.

Tim said...

What I like is that you are simultaneously raising the comedy bar while lowering the moral standard. Brilliant stuff that had me snorting milk through my nose - and I don't even drink milk!

Aleks - Anarcho-Syndicalist said...

I love it, though as a tried and true self-righteous lefty I believe you shouldn't have just insulted one specific Christian denomination, but all major religious denominations. Specifying Catholicism is discrimination, and in my books discrimination is wrong.

Lord Sedgwick said...

You funny bugger you!

I not only snorted milk through my nose, but the muesli as well.

(As a consequence, cards, flowers and bags of grapes may be sent to Ward 666 of the Ear, Nose and Throat Division at the Eye and Ear, Knees 'n' Toes, Knees 'n' Toes Hosterbull.)

Brownie said...

Gosh, I hadn't realised it was *humour*.