Monday, July 04, 2005

July 4th for Dummies

Today is America's day of independence: the anniversary of President Pullman's victory over the aliens! Let's give a big and hearty one to our coalition cousins. For those of you who need a quick refresher, America was invented in 1776, when - having caught a bad case of liberty from the French - the founding fathers, who loved the founding mothers very much, decided to give birth to a nation. As is usually the case, much blood and squealing was involved.

America's first president was George Washington, who was named after a basketball team. George loved liberty but hated cherry trees; to this day, if an Americanian sees a cherry tree, traditionally he must declare war on it or be shunned by his peers.

The greatest Americanian of all time was Ronald Reagan, who started his career as a cowboy and ended it as a vegetable, but the second greatest was Abraham Lincoln. Abraham loved his country so much he declared war on half of it, but this was probably for the best. He enjoyed amusingly shaped headgear, cheese, and avant-garde theatre, but not slavery.

Slavery was the process which Americanians decided would enable them to better appreciate their liberty, and involved the importation of other people, who would then be able to take care of the cherry tree chopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. It is generally reckoned to have been a Bad Idea, and understandably made a lot of people quite upset. As the movie Glory relates, slavery was ended with the crucial assistance of Matthew Broderick and Denzel Washington, who was named after a basketball team.

The greatest female Americanian is Oprah Winfrey. Without slavery, we might not have had Oprah Winfrey. Slavery was indeed a Bad Idea.

Americanians believe in moms and apple pies, both of whose existence has been proven. They invented freedom, freedom fries, globalisation and just wars. And on the plus side, they also invented Abstract Expressionism, the telegraph, jazz, pizza, and Tom Waits. Not bad!

There are several million people living in America, a large percentage of whom do not support the Republian party, so why not join me in extending a hand across the Pacific, and say, "Hey America, enjoy your national day! Of all the countries in the world, you sure are one of them."


Brownie said...

Beloved and droll US icon Will Rogers said : "I am a member of no organised politics. I am a Democrat."

In general, Americans are like G Bush as much as I am like JWHoward - NOT.
I wish we had an Independance Day.

MrLefty said...


Recreativo Narcótico said...

dun forget gene hackman's role in the fight agst slavery