Let me tell you this: I make a bad enemy. And at best an indifferent friend, it is true. But mostly a bad enemy. The last person that crossed me? These days he eats through a tube and shits into a bag. Mind you, he'd been a vegetable for some years before the incident, but that's beside the point. I gave him such a glare...he'll think twice before gurgling offensively next time, I can tell you. If he ever thinks again. Take that, Grandpa.
My point, and I do have one, is this - stay on my good side, or there will be trouble. Trouble for you. I am a powerful guy. Stop snickering! I am too (please don't lower my self-esteem; baseless delusions are all I have left)! But besides being ridiculously powerful (and handsome), I am also a fair man, and so that those concerned can prepare for the terrible vengeance that will be visited upon them, I have decided to compose a little list of those whom I hate so very, very hard. If your name follows, beware:
1. Jim Schembri - easily the worst professional film and television reviewer in the country. The way he to misinterprets movies, dismisses anything he doesn't understand (which is a lot), and venerates Inspector Gadget and Star Wars as the twin shining beacons of Western cultural achievement fills me with an untold rage.
2. Everett True - self-appointed doyenne of popular culture. Shut up, Everett True! Shut up! (Actually, I haven't seen M. True in a while; he may already be hiding from my hate)
3. Connex - a recent addition to the list - not because of stupefyingly high ticket prices, not because of their all-pervading fare evaders ad campaign, but because I haven't been on a train that ran on time in the last month. And the high prices and ads.
4. The Australian Idol Judging Panel - particularly Kyle Sandilands, but particularly Mark Holden.
5. Europe - I don't like Europe, Europe don't like me. Pretty soon, one of us is goin' down.
6. Prime Minister John Howard, et al. - an easy target? Yes, but it's pretty damn hard to lick a turd and call it icecream.
7. Pierre-Auguste Renoir - for obvious reasons.
8. Shop assistants - no I do not need a hand, thank you so very much. What do I look like, a moron? And don't you dare answer that.
9. Dan Brown - for lowering artistic standards everywhere so thoroughly.
10. Laura Bush - what a cock-sniff.
You have all been warned.