Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Man To Sue Government For Causing Impotence

In a press conference late last night, retiree Richard Bandicroft announced his intention to sue the federal government of Australia for relieving him of his capacity for erection. The dismayingly frank Bandicroft, a keen observer of the nation's political scene and an habitual writer of letters to the editor, related his dilemma to a horrified media thusly: "It was on a Thursday that it happened. I was relaxing in front of an action-packed edition of Question Time, when in walks the wife, all gussied up for a bit of rumpo. 'Twice in one month?' I thought, 'Phwor!' But just as we were getting down to bumping giblets, they crossed with a wide tracking shot to the House of Rep's. And that was it: the sight of Howard and company left me old feller as limp as a foreign affairs minister's wrist."

Since that fateful night, Bandicroft claims to have be unable to sustain any normal sexual activity, or indeed think about any further 'giblet-bumping' without having visions of senior Liberal ministers leering seductively at him. "The one with Tony Abbott is particularly disturbing," he confided to Sterne in an interview after the conference, "I keep thinking of him asking me to fondle his ears while telling him he's a bad boy. The wife suggested I try thinking about someone a bit sexier, but then I nearly turned gay after Vandstone popped into my head."

Unsurprisingly, Bandicroft's testimony appears set to open up a floodgate of similar claims. Already, many among the Canberra press corps have added their voices to his - they especially have been victims of long-term exposure to the debilitating ugliness of the government, and sexual disfunction has become the norm. "Nothing makes a de-facto eunuch faster than watching Kim Beazley guzzling a quick hot-dog in the lunch room," admitted one insider.

While one might expect nothing but strict denial from the PM about the epidemic of soft cocks in Parliament House, staffers from John Howard's office have already begun to put a positive spin on the problem, and have chosen - Pele style - to hang a lantern on it (or at least hang a lantern where one might have been hung, had it not become flaccid). One source comments, "The Prime Minister used to suffer from a comparable affliction. Time was when mirrors were banned from Kiribilli House, and even having Jeanette dress up as the Queen Mum didn't do it for him. But he regained his potency soon enough, simply by picturing himself fucking our great nation up the arse."

Unfortunately, the vast majority of us do not have a country to bugger so resoundingly as Mr Howard, and medical professionals are warning against the dangers of watching any form of political broadcast or reportage. Meanwhile, however, the Catholic church has taken advantage of Bandicroft's discovery; a series of pictures featuring Phil Ruddock in a leather teddy are to be used as the centerpiece in their new abstinence campaign.

2 comments:

Jeremy said...

Very good, Onion-esque as always. But "press corp" perhaps...

mscynic said...

"...simply by picturing himself fucking our great nation up the arse."

Hysterical. Brilliant. Bravo!