Monday, September 19, 2005

Things I Have Learned

Human history, said H.G Wells (inventor of time travel, morlocks), becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. Damn right, replied Jon (exceedingly lazy bloggist, who intends to warp a meaningful comment into an excuse not to write anything purposeful). To that end, please pay attention as I relate, for your edification, a few nuggets of knowledge garnered from personal experience over the past week. Your life may depend on knowing these actual factual things (disclaimer: it will not depend on it, probably).

1. If you're eating in a Chinese restaurant, and you see something on the menu called Funny Taste Chicken, do not enthusiastically order it without asking what it actually is. They are not lying about the Funny Taste.

2. Accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and Saviour does not make doing your tax return any easier.

3. I am not given to exaggeration, but year 10 boys - all of them - are worse that Hitler. A more odious form of life than the 16 year old male does not exist.

4. When you drink an entire bottle of gin, do not act all surprised when your mouth tastes like cat wee in the morning. If your mouth tastes like that without imbibing fermented juniper berries, take your cat to the vet.

5. Any shop assistant that calls you 'darl', 'love', 'sweetie', any diminutive really, is in fact daring you to stab them with whatever is closest to hand. In these situations, it's best not to disappoint.

6. Dancing the tango properly requires many months of diligent practice; falling over in front of a crowd of people whilst attempting to dance the tango merely requires alcohol.

7. Gravity might well be described as either a. curvature exacted upon the fabric of spacetime by mass, b. vibrations across the universal membrane originating in an hypothesised eleventh dimension, or perhaps more accurately as c. a bastard.

8. Bands named after any element of the digestive process are usually not going to be worth the cover charge.

9. Taking your girlfriend to see a Johnny Depp movie may result in unfavourable comparisons.

10. Writing spurious little lists instead of a proper post tends to make one feel somewhat guilty. But not very.

2 comments:

Rowen said...

I'd concur on point 3. Good thing we were never like that. I dunno, kids these days .. :)

TimT said...

If you're eating in a Chinese restaurant, and you see something on the menu called Funny Taste Chicken, do not enthusiastically order it without asking what it actually is. They are not lying about the Funny Taste.

I was eating out the other day at Revolver, and - no joke - you were able to order meals with names like:

Kow Moo Dang

Gai Yang