Australia’s anti-discrimination laws are set to be levelled against the underworld today, as a teenager challenges Melbourne’s goth community for ostracising him. Trevor Watson, seventeen, is preparing to take legal action after being informed that he was no longer fit to hold his position, which was usually around halfway up the steps of Flinders Street Station.
According to representatives from the gothic governing body, the Brotherhood of Darkness, Trevor was deemed unfit to wear black after being caught smiling on no less than three occasions. “It’s just not on,” Lestat (AKA Percy Timmons of North Balwyn), one of the Brotherhood’s oldest members, told Sterne. “We are creatures of the night, bound to forever haunt the shadows – slaves to our passion for the grave. We are beautiful and morbid and ever so piercéd. Being a goth is a serious business, and if Trevor wants to lounge around being all…happy, he can go and do it somewhere else. He’s giving the damnéd a bad reputation. Now, pray excuse me, for the sweet embrace of my tomb is calling.” It was later revealed that the thirty-three year old Lestat had left the interview early because his mum had told him to come home and clean his room.
Trevor has claimed the charges of Smiling With Intent (To Be Pleasant) are completely unfounded: he was merely displaying his teeth to passers-by in preparation for biting their throats. The children of the night are refusing to relent, however. Head of the Melbourne goth community, Saphonia Eldritch, Queen of the Endless Abysm, has declared that an example needs to be made to prevent further backsliding among young goths. Alternately sipping from a goblet of what she repeatedly maintained was the blood of a freshly slaughtered goat (but looked suspiciously like raspberry cordial) and attempting to untangle her cloak from the twenty-five pounds of occult jewellery around her neck, Saphonia informed us that the gothic way of life was in danger of disappearing forever. “Many goth kids today seem to believe that being miserable is just an option, that there’s no need to learn memorable quotes from Byron, or shave off their eyebrows. And what kind of a name for a goth is Trevor, anyway? Something must be done before our ancient, made-up heritage is forgotten completely. I mean, being undead isn’t a hobby, it’s a way of life. Some kids even go out in the sunlight! I myself haven’t even seen the sun in the last five years,” Queen Saphonia, who apparently hadn’t seen any pimple cream in all that time either, stated.
Eager to contest these allegations and undeterred from pursuing a career as a goth, Trevor has announced he will prove just how hardcore he is, and plans to sacrifice a frozen chicken during today’s court proceedings.