Friday, October 14, 2005

Goth Teen Shunned: Not Sad Enough

Australia’s anti-discrimination laws are set to be levelled against the underworld today, as a teenager challenges Melbourne’s goth community for ostracising him. Trevor Watson, seventeen, is preparing to take legal action after being informed that he was no longer fit to hold his position, which was usually around halfway up the steps of Flinders Street Station.

According to representatives from the gothic governing body, the Brotherhood of Darkness, Trevor was deemed unfit to wear black after being caught smiling on no less than three occasions. “It’s just not on,” Lestat (AKA Percy Timmons of North Balwyn), one of the Brotherhood’s oldest members, told Sterne. “We are creatures of the night, bound to forever haunt the shadows – slaves to our passion for the grave. We are beautiful and morbid and ever so piercéd. Being a goth is a serious business, and if Trevor wants to lounge around being all…happy, he can go and do it somewhere else. He’s giving the damnéd a bad reputation. Now, pray excuse me, for the sweet embrace of my tomb is calling.” It was later revealed that the thirty-three year old Lestat had left the interview early because his mum had told him to come home and clean his room.

Trevor has claimed the charges of Smiling With Intent (To Be Pleasant) are completely unfounded: he was merely displaying his teeth to passers-by in preparation for biting their throats. The children of the night are refusing to relent, however. Head of the Melbourne goth community, Saphonia Eldritch, Queen of the Endless Abysm, has declared that an example needs to be made to prevent further backsliding among young goths. Alternately sipping from a goblet of what she repeatedly maintained was the blood of a freshly slaughtered goat (but looked suspiciously like raspberry cordial) and attempting to untangle her cloak from the twenty-five pounds of occult jewellery around her neck, Saphonia informed us that the gothic way of life was in danger of disappearing forever. “Many goth kids today seem to believe that being miserable is just an option, that there’s no need to learn memorable quotes from Byron, or shave off their eyebrows. And what kind of a name for a goth is Trevor, anyway? Something must be done before our ancient, made-up heritage is forgotten completely. I mean, being undead isn’t a hobby, it’s a way of life. Some kids even go out in the sunlight! I myself haven’t even seen the sun in the last five years,” Queen Saphonia, who apparently hadn’t seen any pimple cream in all that time either, stated.

Eager to contest these allegations and undeterred from pursuing a career as a goth, Trevor has announced he will prove just how hardcore he is, and plans to sacrifice a frozen chicken during today’s court proceedings.


Tim said...



I laughéd.

Nick said...

The most convincing bloodsuckers on the steps of Flinder St are the smack addicts begging for change. The other week a gothette stopped me there on Saturday night to say that she liked "the cut of [my] jib." Honestly, a succubus who talks like somebody's nanna?

TimT said...

Quoting Byron? here's a very loose quote from Don Juan:

I grew beside a very noble river
A noble stream: 'twas called the Guadalquivir.

If Byron knew that Goths quoted him, he'd be rolling in his grave.

TimT said...

Let's try that again:

Don Juan's parents lived beside the river,
A noble stream, and call'd the Guadalquivir.

More accurate. Also:

In virtues nothing earthly could surpass her, Save thine “incomparable
oil,” Macassar!


The future is a serious matter,
And so - for G-ds sake - hock and soda water!

rachy said...

for the love of God tell me that is a joke!

Jon said...

rachy: It is not a joke. I never joke.

TimT: I was thinking more along the lines of:

...a meal was brought
With blood, and each sate sullenly apart
Gorging himself in gloom; no Love was left;
All earth was but one thought - and that was Death.

That or:

She walks in beauty, like the night...

If I had a dollar for every time I'd heard a goth quote either of those poems, I'd have... four and a half dollars.

divinetrash said...

Wow, no goth I've ever fraternised with has quoted Byron to me. They just sat around setting their hands on fire and drinking from goon sacks.

I feel ripped off.

Speaking of being ripped off, I was waiting for a friend on Saturday night and no gothettes came up to me to say that they liked the cut of MY jib. (The flower seller complemented my ensemble, though.)

Solitaire said...

I would just like to say not all Goth are like that. You will hardly ever get the smae def. of a Goth as it's a personal 'what it means to you'thing. That whole 'no smiling' is a load of bull used to restrict the creativity that Goths crave.

(end of rant)

Anonymous said...

Umm yeah. This pretty much sums up every ignorant gothic cliche in existence. I suppose its funny to some.