Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Greatest Movie of All Time

Some talk of Citizen Kane and others of Casablanca, some of Apocalypse Now or L' Avventura, or Vertigo... but these are all wastes of celluloid. Some reverently whisper the names Bergman, Kieslowski, Kurosawa, Scorsese... but they are hacks, every one. David and Margaret want you to name your favourite movie, and though the cynic in me knows the winner will be Titanic, it will not matter: the greatest movie of all time is still to come.

For I say to you, I am as a voice in the wilderness, and I preach the name of a movie as yet unreleased; a movie whose coming will shake the world, will change the course of history. Will, in fact, make your undergarments tingle like they housed an amorous weasel.

Prepare yourselves, brothers and sisters. Come 2006, when this puppy is released, I predict the age of cinema will be at an end. No-one will need to go to the movies any more. Hell, folks'll probably put their own eyes out - nothing else will be worth seeing, not after Snakes On A Plane.

Yes, you heard me right. But I'll say it again for the slow of mind: SNAKES on a PLANE. Go ahead, process it. Let the phrase roll gleefully around your tongue, like a fat, naked man on a bed made of chocolate. I think you must agree, there can be no finer title, no finer concept for a movie. No need for subtlety, word-play, subtext; no need to worry about the burden of a plot - all you need to know is that magnificent name, and that Samuel L. Jackson will be heading up the fight against the snakes for control of the aircraft.

Directed by David R. Ellis, the visionary who brought you Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Fransisco, Snakes on a Plane will encapsulate like never before the eternal three-way struggle between man, machine and serpent. Please, book your tickets early friends, avoid the terrible rush - but don't keep it secret. Spread the good news wherever you can: Snakes On A Plane is coming. My gods, it will be bloody gorgeous.

7 comments:

Arthur_Vandelay said...

I was going to vote for Aliens or The Godfather, but now that you've alerted me to Snakes on a Plane, I'm holding off.

Rigo Bear said...

Thank you for making me snort hot tea out of my nose. I shall send you the medical bill forthwith.

And the psychiatrist's bill. I am forever scarred by the image of a fat man who looks suspiciously like the roly poly greek dude in Fantasia rolling around on a bed of chocolate. But not half as scarred as I am from the knowledge that this movie is not just the thought of some 4 year old kid wacked on ADD drugs, but is a reality which will be visited upon us next year. Oh the horror.

TimT said...

Herpetologists around the world REJOICE!

Ben said...

Wow, I haven't been this impressed by a film synopsis since Chicken Park. Or dare I say it, even Ghost Ship?

And do I read correctly that Australian actor Nathan Phillips is in this film? I suppose that's a sensible move - from You And Your Stupid Mate to Snakes On A Plane.

Hell, I can't wait.

Lucy Tartan said...

check out the poster!

Jon said...

Thanks lucy tartan. Despite the fact I now need a clean pair of pants, I'm still giggling.

Ben said...

Hahaha, I'd like to express similar remarks regarding sed poster with my name in place of Jon's... name.

Excuse the obscure simpsons reference.

Yo Jon, add me on msn - thingsivewritten@hotmail.com - I'm inviting a few bloggers to my 21st this month if you're interested.