Nothing brightens my day like lying to children. It's lucky I've got one of my own and another on the way, otherwise I'd have to borrow yours and lie to them. But I don't mean traditional Big Lies, about God and democracy and so on. I mean the crazy, off-the-cuff shit you can spin to kids, safe in the knowledge that they know no better. For example:
- The reason the cat's tail moves while he is asleep is because, like certain large dinosaurs, cats have a small brain in their tails, which remains alert while the rest of their body sleeps.
- The reason old photos and movies are in black and white is because until about fifty years ago the world itself was black and white.
- Your uncle was born a girl, but because Grandma and Grandpa didn't want a girl they dressed him in blue and forced him to play with Matchbox cars and toy guns until one day he suddenly changed into a boy.
- When you travel overseas, you can get special microchips implanted in your tongue that allow you to speak the local language like a native.
- When you are sleeping, apprentice hairdressers from the TAFE practice on your hair. That's why it's always so messy in the morning.
- God is dead. Daddy killed him.
- Every few years the government puts everybody's name into a big hat, mixes it up, and whatever name you draw out you have to live with until the next swap.
I can't wait to be a primary school teacher!