Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Platonic Letter of Application

Dear Sirs,

I am writing in regards to the position which you advertised last Saturday in a notice which, whilst impressively large and colourful, had no fewer than three typographical errors. Such attention to style over substance bespeaks delightfully nonchalant levels of incompetence - obviously yours is a workplace to which I am ideally suited: hand/glove, duck/water, dwarf/cage... you get the picture.

Sirs, let's face it, I am The Shit. I'm not one to blow my own horn or anything (not until I get those ribs removed anyway, ahaha), but quite frankly you're not going to find anyone more skilled, creative, intuitive, intelligent, handsome and pleasantly scented than me. Talented? I can juggle knives while managing client resources. Accomplished? I can mimic the mating call of the flamingo at the same time as improving your cost benefit realisation. Truly, I am the limousine of employees.

Do I have past experience in the field? Does the pope shit in a golden bowl? To tell you the truth I don't remember what this job involves, and I couldn't care less - all I'm after is some suitably filthy lucre to appease my justifiably angry creditors (and if I don't get this job it's back to the streets of St Kilda for me, for to whore out my poor, pale arse). Suffice it to say, however, that I've held a wide rage of positions in the past (spit-boy, bag-man, pirate-king) and I can and will turn my hand to pretty much anything, excepting of course physical labour, sales, computing, reading, writing and, in fact, actual movement.

Employing me will gain you a loyal, trustworthy worker, a lad who can be counted on to toil hard and to the best of his considerable abilities - for about the first fortnight. After this I can be counted on to become arrogant and complacent. Instead of kissing your arse on a daily basis, I will become surly and quite probably abusive to both you and your clients; putting my leadership skills to good use, I will also encourage other employees to follow suit. I wouldn't like to use the term gradual laziness to describe the deterioration my work ethic - not when words like indolence, sloth and bone-idleness will do so much better. I am yet to single-handedly caused a company to go into liquidation, but I am young and these are early days.

Sirs, I am convinced your workplace cannot do without me, and I'm more than happy to stalk you to prove it. I already know where three of you live - check your letterboxes for traces of boiled bunny tomorrow and see if I'm lying. Why miss out on such an opportunity as me? I am all that you need and so much less. I look forward to attending an awkward and uncomfortable interview at your convenience; in the meantime, if you have any further questions, please feel free to contact me for some more self-aggrandising lies. Hugs and kisses to you all,

Your newest employee (Esq).

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