I woke Sunday morning with a sore neck, with a foul taste on my tongue, a pounding head, and what appeared to be goat's blood slicking my forearms. What had happened last night? Racking what humourously passes for my brains, I remembered staggering with some shadowy figure across an equally shadowy golf-course somewhere in the wilds of the south-eastern suburbs, towards the sounds of bacchanalia. Had someone invited me to some sort of vile, sweat-soaked orgy, there to partake in such acts of depravity and debauchery as might make a lesser man quail? Had someone else insisted I dance with them the forbidden dance (i.e. the Nutbush)? And had still another watched on as I dragged sacrifices to the altar of Our Dark Masters, slowly chanting the black chant of Shub-Niggurath? Surely not, surely not!
The rational explanation is of course this: demonic possession. It being Hallowe'en time and all, Melbourne is currently awash with unclean spirits and boggins, all looking to snare an innocent choirboy like myself with their wicked wiles. Hallowe'en is a potentially dangerous period for those unlearned in the ways of ghosts, ghouls and things that go bump in the night. There being none so unlearned as those who read this blog on a regular basis, I've opted to post a few quick tips for safely enjoying All Hallow's Eve.
1. Speaking with dead friends and relatives via ouija boards may sound like fun, but remember that they will likely spend most of the time complaining that you don't keep in touch any more. Death rarely improves people.
2. Don't worry about vampires. There are no such things, just goths who believe that wearing a cape is an acceptable substitute for wearing deodorant.
3. Stock up on goats if you plan a demon summoning. It takes ages to get it right.
4. By far the scariest creature abroad during Halloween is the tax-man. Fill in your tax returns if you haven't already, people. This is your last chance. I know I will be - a 3 to 5 stretch for tax evasion is not healthy for fancy-boys like myself. They make you do things in prison, things that are not natural (i.e. making licence-plates).
5. Remember: trick or treaters are only children. They are therefore best dealt with with a quick punch to the cheaply-bought mask, or M&M's dipped in laxatives, depending whether you're after instant gratification, or like your vengeance served cold.
6. If, like me, you wake up suffering from delusions of having attended some sort of unholy ritual, then, like me, you should probably take your medication more often.