In a year during which it has had to cope with scandal after scandal, the Department of Immigration is yet again in a fluster with the news just come to light of another Australian citizen repeatedly forced overseas against their will. Surprisingly, however, instead of pursuing its usual modus operandi - i.e. rushing for cover, denying all knowledge, casting aspersions against the unfortunate exile’s character and refusing to sack any responsible parties before sweeping the entire matter under the carpet – the federal government has quickly stepped into the thick of the affair, and vowed that the situation will be righted with all due haste.
In a hastily convened press conference, handsome Prime Minister Howard declared, “It is neither right nor fair that this man has been sent from our fair shores, and we are endeavouring to rectify matters as soon as possible. However, let me make it perfectly clear to you: this sad turn of events is not the responsibility of my government – the fault lies with the Australian people themselves. If they weren’t constantly whinging about ‘falsely deported’ this and ‘on death row’ that, then poor Alexander Downer would not have been forced out of the country time after time.”
Last seen gulping white wine on a garden terrace and indulging in a hearty giggle with Asian diplomats, Downer’s health and safety are feared for. The wine was revealed to be a distinctly second-class Chablis, and it is uncertain just how long the Minister can survive on tax-payer funded caviar, especially considering the silver spoon jammed in his mouth keeps getting in the way of food.
“Never fear,” said the Prime Minister at the close of the conference, “This travesty will not stand; Alex will be brought back home safe and sound, as quickly as humanly possible. We’re not going to leave this Australian national stranded or under threat. I mean, it’s not like he’s mentally ill or one of those chinky nip types, or anything.”