Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Man Celebrates Not Celebrating Christmas

Christmas always comes early for Melbourne man Robert West, even though he doesn't actually celebrate the holiday.

"This is my favourite time of year," West told Sterne. "I get to show off how world-weary and cynical I am, all the while scoring points against soft targets like organised religion and mass consumerism. It's like, well, it's like all my Christmases come at once!"

West's pontificating doesn't stop at religion and shopping. The holiday season he vehemently opposes also affords West the opportunity to speak out on a range of subsidiary topics.

"I love going to Christmas lunch at my parents' place. I don't eat anything, or exchange any gifts - my constant haughty derision is gift enough. Last year I made my cousin cry by explaining in minute detail the battery-farming and slaughtering process that had resulted in the turkey she was eating. And then I sabotaged the bon-bons by replacing all the jokes with selections from Mao's Little Red Book. It was totally subversive, although for some reason everybody still laughed. But they won't be laughing after the revolution! Then there won't be any bon-bons for anybody!"

West said that while his anti-Christmas stance began as an undergraduate pose - "You know, making a point of writing 'xmas', vandalising nativity scenes, knifing shopping centre Santas, that sort of thing" - it has since become a true reflection of his character and beliefs.

"I really am this nauseatingly smug all year round," he said. "Christmas just gives me the chance to show it off."

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

this really is an excellent entry ... love what you're doing with the place.

JPW said...

He sounds like my kinda guy! Sort of.

Beth said...

Hilarious...I hate smug people more than I hate Christmas! Or the other way around!

Lyn said...

awesome.

mscynic said...

"And then I sabotaged the bon-bons by replacing all the jokes with selections from Mao's Little Red Book."

I was eating a lolly from a CHRISTmas bon bon when I read this, and almost choked to death on it.

Thanks for almost killing me.

Merry Xmas.