A Very Sterney Christmas

Apart from spending most of the day trying to gouge out my hayfevered sinuses, Christmas was passed pleasantly enough in the Sterne household. I ate too much, drank not nearly enough, and received some rather good presents, including a couple of interesting books. Still, for me, Christmas isn't really about enjoying the company of loved-ones, exchanging gifts and being merry. No, it's about hanging out with my extended family, many of whom are geniuses, listening to their wise words, and learning something about the world. Maybe you already know this stuff - I'm always the last to be told! - but here is a sample of the many things I discovered yesterday:

- Australia imports too many things from China. This includes men's casual shoes, Christmas bon-bons, and Chinese people.

- All Asian people are "Chinese". You can't understand what they are saying. They are probably racist towards white people, so therefore it is acceptable for us to be racist to them. Not that we are, not really. I mean it is our country, after all.

- Aboriginals don't like work. They do, however, like drinking.

- Some black people are darker than other black people. A select few are so dark they are "almost purple". Despite their obvious shortcomings, many black people have "lovely smiles" and some "can be quite intelligent".

- "Indian" or "Arab" are interchangable terms that may be used to describe the entire population of a vast swathe of territory stretching south east from the Bosphorus all the way to Christmas Island. These people are all of one faith - you know the one - and do not understand democracy, even though a billion of them live in the world's largest democratic state.

- Minorities - particularly "Arabs" - want to "steal Christmas". This is an example of "political correctness gone mad". Mr Bracks is somehow to blame.

- Blacks, "Indians" and "Chinese" make poor doctors. As taxi drivers they are fair to middling, but with questionable standards of personal hygiene.

- "Byron Bay kind of people" are "weird" and "scary".

- Vicks chest rub doesn't smell the way it used to. It is probably made in China now, and therefore inferior.

Amongst the casual bigotry, I also learned that the Diff'rent Strokes theme song was written by Alan Thicke, a.k.a. the dad from Growing Pains. Now there was a family that understood multiculturalism.