Monday, January 09, 2006

Heavy Petting

Premium pet food manufacturers make a pretty penny targeting pets with special health needs. If Rover breaks out in spots, or Miss Claws develops plaque on her teeth from eating too many possum livers, you can head along to your local pet emporium and pick up some Sensitive Skin or Oral Care formula dry food that will solve the problem in a cost-effective, not to mention tasty, manner. In a Sterne exclusive, we are pleased to reveal the next generation of specialist pet foods, each designed to quickly relieve your pet of its annoying symptoms and you of your hard-earned cash.

Hurt Feelings - Is your dog feeling neglected? Hurt Feelings formula is guaranteed to cure the doggy doldrums and have your pet back to his annoying self in no time. The patented combination of premium chicken giblets and pure ground ecstacy tablets will give your dog a feeling of contentment and general happiness that ordinary dog feed simply cannot provide. Also available in Marijuana Moggy flavour, for the layabout, stoner cat in your life.

Crap Owner - Studies suggest that as many as six in ten Australian pets have a crap owner. If you don't have time to actively neglect your special friend, Crap Owner formula is here to provide - or, rather, to not provide - everything your dog needs. Comprised largely of sawdust, playdough and dried table sweepings, Crap Owner does everything except not walk your dog for you!

Misplaced Maternal Affection - Has your dog recently featured in a "cute" story on a commercial news broadcast, having "adopted" a bunch of ducklings or something equally as incongruous? If so, Misplaced Maternal Affection will assist your dog in its unlikely role by triggering its mammary glands, allowing it to feed its peculiar progeny.* If you haven't experienced the joy of watching your dog suckling a farrow of piglets, Misplaced Maternal Affection formula is for you!

* Mammary gland function triggered only in female dogs. Male dogs will simply suffer from tumescence of the chest, resulting in unwillingness to run in public without a shirt.

Stupid Haircut - Ideal for French poodles, standard schnauzers and other effete, pampered breeds, Stupid Haircut allays the trauma of receiving a ridiculous hair-do by pumping your dog's body full of synthetic endorphins and twelve different types of alcohol. Don't let the absurd pom-poms adorning your dog's tail prevent it from enjoying a full and satisfying life - one bowl of Stupid Haircut formula, and Fido won't care if you start plaiting his whiskers and calling him Zsa Zsa!

Hump Hungry - Nothing could be more embarrassing than having your pet rub guests up the wrong way, but if your dog like legs, and knows how to use them, Hump Hungry may be just what you're looking for. This special formulation - available in Chicken 'n' Gravy and Toasted Hog Chunk flavours - acts immediately to chemically castrate your dog, removing all trace of his sexual urges, and often his entire personality. When you really should have bought a cheap concrete statue of a dog instead of the real thing, Hump Hungry is the only solution!*

* Also available in Hump Hungry Lite, for owners who enjoy the amorous attention of their pets, but wish to temporarily restrain them. The sick fucks.

With thanks to Kate, ideas-woman and pet food-seller extraordinaire.

1 comment:

MrLefty said...


Perhaps there should also be Anthropomorphopet - to help domesticated animals cope with humans constantly pretending that they know what it's thinking, and treating it as if it were just a little baby human - rather than a creature of a completely different species with its own dignity. Even if it does look cute and adorable.