Sunday, January 08, 2006

Upgrade To Make Mall Look Crap In Entirely Different Way

Shitehorse Council has announced that a multi-million dollar revamp of Pox Hill shopping mall will transform it from an outdated, run-down dump into a run-down dump for the twenty-first century.

Council spokeswoman Brenda Spiggot said that the renovations scheduled for the next twelve months were designed to superficially alter the mall's appearance, while maintaining all its inherent unpleasantness.

"The mall is in desperate need of an update," Ms. Spiggot told Sterne. "However, we don't want to ruin its unique ambience and scare away the punters. By whom I mean derelicts, drug dealers and unemployed drunks. Also, the drug-fucked couples screaming accusations at one another about who spent the dole money on smack. They were one of our key demographic concerns."

Council approved funding after considering a range of proposals for the site. In a full council vote, the proposal for a general upgrade beat out the popular strategic nuclear strike option by a slim margin. Ms. Spiggot said that, while every expense had been spared in planning the renovations, council is confident that people will appreciate the mall's new look.

"The renovations will bring the mall into at least the mid-nineties, aesthetically-speaking, and will certainly make it a brighter, friendlier place to visit, at least until it falls into neglect and starts looking all shitty and dirty again.

"We have however been careful not to tamper with the essence of the place, the things that make it the premier pedestrian mall in Pox Hill. Features like the giant puddle of spit, the prostitute loading zone, and the crazy-old-drunk-wrangling yard will be kept. In addition, new, dimmer lights will make the mall at least three times as hazardous to enter at night. It is our hope that Pox Hill's mall will become a place to avoid for people from all over Australia, if not the world."

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