Far off in the distant past, your faithful correspondant graduated from the renowned Koonung Secondary College - a byword wherever shit-box educational facilities are discussed and then laughed at. Despite recently coming under consideration as a useful site for dumping nuclear waste, Koonung SC was at one time known as a school for Achievers: a factory dedicated to churning out young men and women who would raise the bar for as all. Winners, every one.
It was the graduating class of '96 that epitomised this drive to succeed. We knew deep in our hearts and bladders that we were each and every one of us destined for greatness. That you, the plebian masses, might learn from our dazzling example, here now is a representative sample of this collection of princes. Names have been altered to protect the identities of those concerned - or, more accurately, to protect me from the just wrath of those concerned. Not that I'm particularly worried, given the level of literacy among most Koonung alumni is roughly equivalent to, say, that of the average chair.
Gaze up at the dizzying heights to which they've risen:
Samuel Alldred - became a professional wrestler on the rural Victorian circuit. Originally a hero, performing under the Dirk Diggler-ishly pathetic pseudonym 'Sammy Cool', he has recently become a bad guy, and on the weekends while beating people over the back of the head with a folding chair, he goes by the appellation 'Sammy Frost'. Fear him, in his leather jacket and spandex pants.
Violet Liddell and Sally Hammock - no-one gets anywhere without setting targets; armed with this knowledge, the enterprising pair came up with a bold mission statement - to sleep with the entire Essendon football team within as short a space of time as possible. Evenings spent hanging about in the car park after training sessions proved not to be in vain. It's always a pleasure to see people achieve their goals while still young.
Simon Lulovski - A celebrated Elvis impersonator, Simon is currently doing a 7-10 stretch for stabbing the man who tried to steal his woman (said woman once smashed Simon's guitar over his head during a particularly eventful lunch break).
Malcolm von Kolken - after trying his hand at being, respectively, a shelf-stacker at Safeways, an army washout, and a born-again Christian, Malcolm has now opted to spend most of his time locked in his room, rocking backwards and forwards, occassionally looking under his bed for the microphones the government is using to spy on him. Claims, in all seriousness, to be the Anti-Christ, and to have caused the Sept 11 bombings with his mind.
Pat Kostopopolous - recently bought a jacuzzi shaped like a heart for his en-suite. A man of taste.
Manny Smiggins - after repeatedly flunking out of the Victorian Police Academy due to a volatile temper and a psychotic streak wider than the Shane Warne's waistline, Manny has become a security guard at an inner city convenience store. Says Manny, "I live for the days when I get to beat five kinds of fuck out of homeless junkies who come in the shop."
Morgan Gaddic - grew a second arsehole. Really.
LeMarr O'Barrett - stole Malcolm von Kolken's car after a falling out (possibly over whether Alf Stewart on Home and Away was the mouthpiece of Satan). Drove it to Frankston pier, took a shit in the passenger seat, and rolled the car into the water. Possibly the most disgusting man alive today, and certainly the greasiest.
Jon and Tim - became bloggists.
The class of '96: reaching for the stars.