Asked by an enthusiastic but confused electorate to clarify last weeks remarks regarding his stalwart victory in the deadly culture wars, Prime Minster Howard today briefly outlined his position and its implications for his trembling subjects.
"Quite simply," declared the chisel-featured PM, "I said that all Australians should be equal. However, it has been brought to my attention that a few citizens of our great nation are being mistreated due to the fact that, through no fault of their own, they are ethnically challenged. Obviously, this has to stop. We need to be able, as a society, to share a common bond. And so, while we will always be duly grateful to other cultures for enhancing our diversity, we need to reassert the cultural paradigms of the greater majority - or at least of the majority of the people that vote for me: an Anglo-Saxon heritage, a British legal system, and Judeo-Christian moral values. Therefore, it is with great pride I can announce that, as of today, all Australian citizens are now to be considered officially white."
"That's right - no matter which dog-eating, flyspeck stink-land that you all come from, no matter what the colour of your skin, be it brown, yellow, or that weird bluish-black that some of your really ethnic types have, you're now all as white as I am - pretty damn lily! A great man and sometime genocidal poof once said that by being white, you win the lottery of life. Congratulations, darkies!" the elated PM beamed. "Whites, being the acme of civilisation, naturally do not disadvantage or mistreat other whites. In one stroke, I have solved all our cultural ills."
"Obviously, our brave new nation shall require a brave new history, something we can teach our kids to bolster our brave new mindset - a history that encourages national pride. No more schoolkids hearing 'we lost this war', 'we stole that generation', 'apologies for whatever'. Obviously, I'll be writing this history myself. I mean, it's not something one can really leave to teachers - if they were any good at what they did, we'd be paying them a proper wage."
When Sterne asked Mr Howard how his new Whiter Australia policy would affect the indigenous population, having previously had to contend with serious disadvantages in health, education and living conditions, the Prime Minister responded, "It's true, Aboriginal Australians have suffered. But we're all white now. Although some of us are still whiter than others. But with help, a little bit of effort and a dose of good Aussie family values, they'll be as white as the next man in the dole queue."
Sterne congratulates our noble leader on his forethought, compassion and tolerance of racial difference. Even now, we're dying our black armbands white.