Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Nazi Phone

I don't like to be the one who names names - not after that incident in the third grade when Alfie Sturgeon beat the living snot out of me for telling Ms. Higgins it was him who wrote a rude word on the blackboard (for the curious among you, the unutterably vile noun in question was 'bum'). But on this issue I feel I can no longer remain silent: there is one who has been close to me that has been revealed as a proponent of National Socialism, and an outing is long past due.

It's my mobile phone. My phone is a Nazi. There - I've said it.

I aquired the phone fairly recently, after it became apparent that my faithful old Nokia could no longer provide me with the level of technology requisite to life in this modern world (i.e. the ability to speak to people more than three feet away), and while I was generally satisfied with it's replacement (no, I'm not a shill for Nokia, but if the good people who run that fine company would like to toss a few bucks my way, that's cool) I had a few problems with its predictive text function. The dictionary is only supposed to recognise common terms, I know that, but I nevertheless find it annoying that it can't comprehend a variety of simple words that I consider necessary for everyday conversation: words like 'skank', 'knob-wit', 'epistemological', 'douche'.

I discovered, however, while keying in a hasty SMS, that it did know 'eugenics'.

Further investigation has shown that the phone's default dictionary also recognises such terms as 'Nazi', 'holocaust', 'social Dawinism', 'reich', 'fascist', 'Adolf', 'Hitler', 'Stasi', 'totalitarianism', 'protocols', 'elders', 'Zion'... How exactly are words like these common enough to warrant inclusion in a mobile phone's vocabulary?

My phone is a freakin' Nazi, and there seems little I can do (I should have guessed, I suppose, when I discovered the default ring tone was a thousand voices yelling "Heil!" in unison). As a dyed-in-the-wool bleeding heart liberal, I'm not about to persecute it for its beliefs, be they ever so repugnant; mind you, if reminders start appearing in the calendar along the lines of "Shave head", or "Get swastika tattoo on neck", the Nazi phone may be destined for a date with a hammer.

But is mine is the only filthy fascist mobile? How well do you, gentle reader, know your phone? Is it an honest, peace-loving device, or is the entire text of Mein Kampf hidden somewhere in its tiny electronic brain? Let me know, post haste, lest nightmares of a fourth Reich composed entirely of portable communications equipment drive me insane. Or moreso.


Tim said...

My mobile is also a Nazi, I mean a Nokia and yes, it features all the words you mention in its dictionary. I tried "goering", "gestapo" and "himmler" with no luck, but the results are fairly conclusive anyway. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, which is quite close to Finland, home of Nokia, which is even closer to Germany - the same Germany that the Nazis came from! Dear God, what hideous Robert Ludlum-esque plot to establish the Fourth Reich have you stumbled upon?

mscynic said...

*erupts in uncontrollable laughter*

You two are really truly brilliant.

I adore the pair of you.

I should have guessed, I suppose, when I discovered the default ring tone was a thousand voices yelling "Heil!" in unison)

*bursts out in giggles, again!*

divinetrash said...

Mine freaked out when I tried to type in 'Zyklon B', 'F├╝hrer', 'pogrom', and 'Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei', so I guess I'm safe.