Staff at United Conglomerations Incorporated have been able to breathe a sigh of relief after the arrest this morning of IT nerd and deeply disgusting individual Toby Mumble. Mumble’s increasingly disturbing behaviour around the office and unconcealed addiction to what can only be described as cyber sex had been disrupting office productivity and lowering staff morale for several months. Project manager Cindy Billows has described the situation as, “Just impossible. It’s very hard to request a B19 form from someone when they make you want to vomit all over your desk, you know.”
Apparently Mumble’s bizarre addiction began in relatively normal, if sordid, fashion. In his statement to police, he said, “I was like a man possessed. Even though I spend all day working with computers, I’d never get sick of them. Often I’d stay after hours just to be around them - first I might just perform a systems check, or just empty some cache files. Before long, though, I found myself on the ‘net, downloading pictures of pretty ladies in, you know, the buff. Often as they engaged in acts involving common household appliances in ways not intended by their designers, ways which would almost certainly invalidate their warranties. I couldn’t help myself. But at that stage, I thought I was just your run-of-the-mill pervert.”
“It wasn’t long before I came to realise, though, that the whole porn thing was simple Freudian transference: I wasn’t really attracted to the girly pics - that was just idle flirtation. No, what kept me coming back, tightened my trousers, made me sweaty in ways and places I’d never sweated before, was the computers themselves. Those chic, glossy screens; those smooth, boxy chassis; that cute, come-hither way their keyboard cable curls…you tell me they’re not all gasping for it. I liked to run my fingers gently over their keyboards, slowly, teasingly clean the dust from around their mouse balls, and then, when they were ready, open up the back of the box and adjust their PCI cards. With my pants off. I am in love, sexually, with technology. I guess I always have been…I mean, I always used to get a hard-on when I watched Transformers as a kid.”
Despite constant complaints from staff members about Mumble leaving suspiciously sticky ‘cleaning fluid’ on their monitors, playing strip Solitaire during his lunch break, and during one particularly memorable office party attempting to ‘interface’ with the photocopier in the supply cupboard, management felt unable to reprimand Mumble lest they be accused of sexual discrimination. The arrest made by police this morning was actually for theft. Apparently, Mumble had had a tiff with his desktop PC when he’d discovered a colleague using it to print out a document after his own had crashed. “It let him touch it, the slut!” Mumble told Sterne. “When I saw him jiggling it's printer cable, I just saw red. I thought we had something special.” As a result of the perceived betrayal, Mumble ‘kidnapped’ his PC, intending to take revenge on it at his leisure. However, when police arrived at Mumble’s home to question him on the theft, they found him engaged in vigorous make-up sex with the machine. “I just couldn’t stay mad at it any more. The sexy minx,” said Mumble.
So-called ‘cyber-sexual’ crimes are becoming increasingly prevalent in today’s technology driven society. Parents and partners of habitual computer users are advised to be aware for warning signs - reference to routers as ‘hot’, obsessive reading of IT websites, attempts to insert mouse into bodily orifices – and to seek help accordingly.