Thursday, April 27, 2006

Test Your Citizenship

The Australian Government has once again raised the possibility of compulsory citizenship tests for all migrants. In a Sterne exclusive we have obtained a sample citizenship test, which we invite all our readers to complete. Are you a true Australian, or do you have to be sent to the new Australia Camp on Nauru for re-education?

Part One: Political Desirability

1. Are you a terrorist?

a) Yes.
b) Sometimes.
c) Only when I'm trying to impress my mates.
d) None of the above.

2. Are you a Muslim?

a) Yes.
b) Sometimes.
c) Only when I'm trying to impress the religious secret police of the country my family and I are fleeing.
d) None of the above.

3. Have you ever attended any of the following events:

a) Protest rally.
b) Meeting with Osama bin Laden.
c) Scout Jamboree.
d) Filming of Rove Live.

4. Which of the following phrases best describes you politically:

a) Relaxed and comfortable.
b) Pissed off and rioty.
c) Former high-ranking official of brutal police state.
d) Kim Beazley.

Part Two: Ockerness

1. Australia's greatest historical achievement is:

a) Mateship.
b) The Anzacs (mateship of).
c) John Howard (everybody's mate).
d) The ute (an Aussie bloke's best mate, aside from John Howard).

2. Henry Lawson was a leading exponent of:

a) Bush-themed doggerel.
b) Chastity belts.
c) Compulsory tertiary education for the higher apes.
d) All of the above.

3. Which of the following best describes your ideal holiday:

a) A week in Bali shopping for pirate DVDs.
b) Two weeks in Balie shopping for pirate DVDs.
c) Twenty years in Bali shopping for pirate DVDs and serving a prison sentence for drug trafficking.
d) Two nights in a caravan in Bairnsdale with a couple of pirates.

4. Which of the following lines is not part of "Advance Australia Fair"

a) "Australians all let us rejoice"
b) "For we are young and free"
c) "With golden soil and wealth for toil"
d) "Get a dog up yer, ya cunts!"

Part Three: Australian As She Is Spoke

1. The phrase "Aussie Digger" refers to:

a) A popular brand of shovel.
b) A member of the Australian Imperial Force (1914-1919), particularly a member of the frontline infantry.
c) Anybody who has ever served in the Australian armed forces, up to and including that fucking psychopath you went to high school with who had to join the army after the police rejected him when his psychological profile unfavourably compared him to Harvey Keitel's character in Bad Lieutenant.
d) John Howard

2. An "icy-pole" is:

a) A pole. That is icy.
b) An unfriendly person from Poland.
c) Sex without love.
d) A frozen confection.

3. When speaking, country Australians generally do not move:

a) Their lips.
b) Their brains.
c) Their bowels.
d) All of the above.

4. "Rex Hunt" is:

a) A venereal disease.
b) Something that smells like fish and rhymes with "punt".
c) Annoying as all hell.
d) All of the above.

Congratulations on completing the Compulsory Australian Citizenship Quiz. Your answers will be processed sometime in the next decade. In the meantime, please enjoy the many exciting amenities of your razor-wire prison camp. Good luck!


TimT said...

Congratulations, it's damn hard to write good political satire.

Regarding this:

Two nights in a caravan in Bairnsdale with a couple of pirates.

I reckon I know someone who does that all the time ...

mscynic said...

2. Are you a Muslim?

a) Yes.
b) Sometimes.
c) Only when I'm using it as a defence when I have been arrested for possession of ecstasy in Indonesia.
d) None of the above.

Jellyfish said...

Oh Damn. Part One, Section 3d, I'm screwed.

Or possibly welcomed with open arms, if the company on those four occasions was any indication of his wider fanbase.

Tim said...

Speaking of political satire, I picked up Philip Roth's Nixon novel Our Gang today for twenty cents! Now that's a bargain.

Tim said...

I see Crikey has linked to this post. Kind of wish I'd worked harder on it now.*

expresso-expression said...

Hey, good stuff!
Just added you to my bogroll, oops blogroll.

MrLefty said...


(Actually, I kind of wish I'd worked harder on this comment, now.)

Dean said...

This is uncanny. I've just handed in an assignemtn which included a questionnaire about the Cronulla riots. Maybe I should post it on my blog, too. Post more, please

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