Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Top Secret!

This past weekend saw the continutation of our household's favourite intermittent film festival, Crap Fest 2006: Dodgy Films Daddy Used To Watch As A Child. The festival director (that would be me) again demonstrated his taste, or lack thereof, programming one of the lesser-known spoofs from the Zucker/Abrahams/Zucker stable, Top Secret! Although the festival director had to explain most of the jokes to the audience (that would be my seven-year-old), a good time was had by all. Highlights of the film included:

- The song "Skeet Surfin'", which includes lyrics to rival anything farted out by Tim Rice:
I've got a gun rack in my Chevy
For when the surf and the flak get heavy
And we'll have fun with our guns
'Till our lifeguard takes our ammo away
- The German-for-travellers cassette that teaches handy phrases like, "I'd like a schnauzer with my wienerschnitzel."

- A character named Hillary: "It means 'she whose bosoms defy gravity'". The word "bosoms" elicited the only genuine laugh from the festival's otherwise baffled audience.

- The Swedish bookstore and underwater bar fight scenes. Neither scene is actually funny, but there's a lot of technical skill involved. Because that's what you watch a zany spoof for.

- Numerous gags of the "I know a little German - he's sitting over there" variety.

- A villain who looks disturbingly like David Gower. (Although not in the linked pictures. But you try Googling "guy from top secret looks like david gower" and see what you get.)

- The hasty fast-forwarding of two scenes involving, respectively, a marital aid called "the Anal Intruder" and implied bestiality (comedic).

After the movie a free, compulsory seminar was held in which the festival director led himself in a free-ranging discussion of the film's virtues, dwelling in particular on the scene in which a number of flying men urinate on a giant statue of a pigeon. Finally, the floor was opened for audience questions. "Can I go to bed now, please?" was answered in the affirmative, and festival director and audience agreed to reconvene in a couple of weeks for an encore screening of The Three Amigos.


Jon said...

The backwards scene is brilliant, and features Peter Cushing if I remember rightly. How could Asala possibly fail to enjoy it? It's one of the great seldom-remembered moments of cinematic genius. She obviously needs to watch the whole thing again. Possibly while drunk - I think that's the true key to Zucker/Abrahams appreciation.

Tim said...

She takes everything too literally. It's like watching a comedy with the kid from The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. I'm going to try Flying High on her, and if that doesn't work I'm afraid I may have to resort to The Goonies.

mscynic said...

"Souvenirs. Novelties. Party tricks."

Oh, and Chevy Chase drinking the water in the desert in Three Amigos never fails to make me erupt into hysterical giggles.

What on earth can you mean dodgy films, Daddy used to watch. These are pure gems, I tell you.

Sounds like you need an appreciative daughter. And I, for one, have always been on the hunt for a father figure. Wanna adopt me?

I'll bring Steve Martin's The Jerk.

Tim said...

Consider yourself adopted. I'm in the market for a daughter who knows Steve Martin from something other than Cheaper By The Dozen.

After thinking about it today (when I wasn't thinking about the glorious fallen, of course), I have decided to screen Flying High next. "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley" - classic. Plus the greatest gratuitous jiggly tit-shot in modern cinema. I think she might be just (im)mature enough to appreciate it.

mscynic said...



"First time?"

"No. I've been nervous lots of times."


Also, Steve Martin live doing Rambling Man. Gold.

King Tut. Wild and Crazy Guy. I could just go on and on, Dad.

Ms Cynic/Sterne

Ben.H said...

As a man who only two days ago tried out the "little horse" gag on my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend, I salute your noble efforts, sir.