Friday, June 09, 2006

Gatto Blasts Media: I Am Not A Cake

Underworld figure Domenic Gatto lashed out yesterday after a Melbourne newspaper published rumours that he was a delicious custard-filled cake, possibly topped with nuts or fruit.

"This is no trifle," Mr Gatto told Sterne. "These allegations have left me in a flummery. First it was claimed that I was some kind of zabaglione man for the mob, now they're saying I'm a fuck*** cake! It really is a load of crepe."

Mr Gatto claimed that the media was undermining the justice system by refusing to give him a second chance.

"I may come from the wrong side of the dessert buffet, but I'm straight now and just trying to put some bread and butter pudding on the table. This kind of gossip is nothing less than torte-ture for my whole family. Frankly, it gives me sticky buns just thinking about it."

John Truckinghoff, editor of the Kitchener St. Moustache, the newspaper that first printed the rumour, defended his decision to publish on the grounds that Mr Gatto's possible manifestation as a sweet delight was "a matter of public interest".

"We're not saying Domenic Gatto is this or Domenic Gatto is that. All we're saying is that he might be a French dessert. I understand the sensitivity of Mr Gatto's situation, but those of us who enjoy a slice of cake with their cafe au lait have the right to know if there is even the slightest chance that they might be partaking of a Melbourne underworld figure."

Mr Truckinghoff denied that the Gatto rumours were based on a simple pun.

"Only the lowest of media outlets would build a story around puns. I'm no flan of that kind of journalism. It's gratin on my nerves that we would even be accused of frittering away our credibility by indulging in such a blatant attempt to truffle feathers."


Puss In Boots said...

Pure genius.

mscynic said...

Have you been watching The Office? Stapler in the jelly?

Anyway, a song from my childhood for you.

Senor Don Gatto was a cat.
On a high red roof, Don Gatto sat.
He went there to read a letter, (miaow mioaw miaow)
Where the reading light was better,
(miaow miaow miaow)
T'was a love note for Don Gatto.

I love you, wrote the Lady Cat.
Who was fluffy, white, and nice and fat.
There was not a sweeter kitty,
(miaow miaow miaow)
In the country or the city,
(miaow miaow miaow)
And she said, she'd wed Don Gatto.

Don Gatto jumped up happily.
He fell off the roof and broke his knee.
Broke his neck and all his whiskers,
(miaow miaow miaow)
And his little solar plexus,
(miaow miaow miaow)
T'was the ending of Don Gatto.

As the funeral passed the market square,
Such a smell of fish was in the air.

I can't remember the rest but he smells the fish and becomes reanimated and lives happily ever after.

I hope you liked it.

I'll sing it to you in person one day if I ever attend a Four Horse Grog Blog.

(And yes, maybe I just have been waiting my whole life to find a reason to cite that song in a blog comment. Oh happy day.)

Tim said...

Love it, thanks Ms C!

Zoe said...

I hear being an underworld figure is not as profiterole as it used to be.

-A. said...

I'd love to see a double-act with Marie Antoinette and Mickie G. Now THAT would sell on eBay.

mscynic said...

The final verse:

As the funeral passed the market square,
Such a smell of fish was in the air.
Though his burial was slated,
Miaow miaow miaow,
He became reanimated.
Miaow miaow miaow,
He came back to life, Don Gatto

Tasrayryn said...

So many terrible puns, I love it. And Zoe, nice addition. By the way, mscynic, I've sung that song before. It sure brings back memories.

mizanTabith said...

Thank God someone wrote the lyrics to this song in a blog, because this is the only place on the web I could find the lyrics and I have been looking for them for a while now. I sang that song in elementary school- it was my favorite.

Thanks mscynic :-D