Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Satani Street













"Hello, Mr Hooper."














"Hello, Big Bird. Why so glum?"













"Well, Mr Hooper, Snuffleupagus says today is the sixth of the sixth two thousand and six!"













"I see from my calendar that Snuffleupagus is right. But why should the date make you glum?"













"Because 666 is...the devil's number!"













"Ah, I see. You're worried that today will see the coming of the Antichrist, and the beginning of a period of trials and tribulations that will cease only with the coming of Christ Himself and the Day of Judgement."













"That's right, Mr Hooper! And I'm not the only one. Everybody on Sesame Street is freaking out. Isn't there a song we could sing to educate ourselves about the Antichrist so that we won't be so scared?"













"As it happens, I believe there is. But first we need somebody to sing it, somebody perhaps from an under-represented ethnic group, so that while we're learning about the Antichrist we'll also be reaffirming our commitment to tolerance and diversity."













"How about me?"













"Um, a little too diverse. No, I'm thinking more along the lines of..."













"Me! Jazz legend Cab Calloway!"













"That's more like it! Ready when you are, Mr Calloway!"













"Ready, kids?"









"Ready, Mr C!"













"Then let's hit it!

"Let me tell you kids about that crazy cat called Antichrist.
He's the opposite of Jesus, 'cause y'all know Christ is nice.
The Antichrist is the fourth beast, he's gonna devour the world!
Gonna eat up all your souls, whether you be boy or girl!"













"But Mr Calloway, I don't want my soul devoured!"













"I understand your concern my friend, with protecting your avian soul,
But if the Antichrist comes tonight, he's gonna suck it up whole!
Unless the whole thing's a metaphor, which I 'spose is possibly true
In which case I'd be more worried about Mr Hooper's unsightly bulge if I were you!"













"Hey! That's just the way my apron rides up!"













"Now the thing about the Antichrist is that nobody knows what form he'll take.
Will he mirror Christ and be born a child, or will he manifest in a t-bone steak?
Or will the rough beast slither in, fangs dripping with satanic slime?
Whatever the case you can bet your ass that we'll be having a hell of a time!"













"So, Mr Calloway, you're saying the Antichrist could take [gulp!] any form?"













"That's about the size of it, my feathered friend."













"In that case, I move that today's letter of the day be 'R', as in 'Aaaargh, let's get the fuck out of here!' The Antibert is cometh! Run, Mr Hooper, run for your life!"














"I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul! Ernie, come and help me swallow his soul!"

3 comments:

Jon said...

My friend, you just made a flu-ridden lad's day. Heaven knows, if I weren't slputtering already, I would be now.

mscynic said...

All my favourite ingredients - song, Sesame Street and Satan.

Superb.

Petal said...

You bastard - how dare you use BB and Mr Looper in such an unkind way! Particularly when I made a touching tribute to them only a few days ago - on my blog, as it happens. Ahem.

**waits for fellow bloggers to make their way to petal's quite comprehensive blog on public education - of all things**