Thursday, June 29, 2006

Scientists Warn New Movie Could Be Crap Enough to “Explode the Sun”

Crock!, a new film starring Adam Sandler, Martin Lawrence, Richard Gere, Colin Farrel, Natalie Portman, Queen Latifah, Paulie Shore, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Rob Schneider, Hilary Duff, Jim Carrey, Matthew Lillard, Jim Belushi, The Rock, Alec Baldwin, David Spade, Deborah Messing, Renee Zellweger, Damon Wayans, Johnny Knoxville, Heather Locklear, Ray Romano, Tom Hanks, Ice Cube, Lindsay Lohan, Will Farrell, Jennifer Lopez, Courtney Love, Ashton Kutcher, Ben Affleck, Carrot Top, Freddie Prinze Jr., Demi Moore, Kathy Griffin, Drew Carey, Nathan Lane, Michael Madsen, Rosie O’Donnell, David Caruso, Tori Spelling, Andy Dick, Winona Ryder, Hugh Grant, Jerry Lewis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jon Favreau, Chris Tucker, Jar Jar Binks, Roseanne Arnold, Jude Law, Vin Diesel, Brian Dennehy, Chris O’Donnell, Dakota Fanning, Mandy Moore, Carmen Electra, Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Julia Roberts, Owen Wilson, Ben Stiller, Tim Allen, Sharon Stone, and featuring a special appearance by Tom Cruise as Dr. Phil McGraw, will premiere later this year as part of an attempt by scientists to isolate and contain the growing quantity of cinematic sludge that is spewed across multiplex screens each year.

Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and directed by Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich, Crock! has been assembled from the unproduced scripts of fifty of Hollywood’s worst screenwriters, including Joe Eszterhas and the guy who inserted the word "Crikey!" into Steve Irwin’s dialogue for The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course. It is hoped that the movie will play in cinemas for at least twelve months, with all involved signing contracts in blood not to release any other films during that period.

Although confident of the experiment’s success, the project’s director Dr. Harold Chesty warns that there is a slight chance of catastrophe, should things go awry.

“The conjunction of so much cinematic crapness could lead to the creation of a theoretical substance called anti-talent,” Dr. Chesty told Sterne. “Now, nobody really knows what this would lead to. The most popular theory is that the presence of anti-talent will either cause the sun to explode, thus ending life on earth, or that it will awaken from its millenia-long slumber some kind of gigantic iguanodon, in which case the living would surely envy the dead – but only briefly, 'cause we're talking about a pretty mean fucking iguanodon here.

“It’s a dangerous experiment, yes, but if successful we will have discovered a means of trapping and controlling some of the most noxious forces at work in today’s popular culture. As my wife said to me, we have to think of the children. Of course, last time I did that I ended up serving ten years in a federal penitentiary, but I take her point.”

Anticipating success, Dr. Chesty’s team have already begun work on a similar project, Gargh!, intended to replace Crock! at the end of its run.

“It’s along similar lines. You know, unimaginably bad, the kind of thing only morons will pay to see. I can tell you that the profit projections are enormous.”

When asked about the film’s storyline, Dr. Chesty replied that he “really couldn’t give a shit.”


TimT said...

So I take it you'll be an enthusiastic fan for this exciting new cinematic project, then?

Tim said...

Nah, I say bring on the iguanodon!

Jon said...

Heh, iguanadon.

But you forgot Ian Ziering!

Tim said...

I forgot so many people - Goldie Hawn, Drew Barrymore, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Frankie Muniz, the guy who was in Revenge of the Nerds and later played the jock neighbour on Married With Children, Ted something-or-other I think, Joe Pantoliano (those whacked by Tony Soprano ought to stay whacked), Cuba Gooding, Jr., Danny DeVito, John Travolta, Sarah Jessica Parker, Steve Guttenberg, the mum from the Gilmore Girls (although she is a bit of a milf), and many, many others who will doubtless make their way into one of the sequels.

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Tasrayryn said...

If only it were true...

And how "gigantic" would you say this iguanodon would be in MGs (Metric Godzillas)?

For those of you who ask 'What's a Metric Godzilla?' just think of the regular Godzilla and add about 10 feet or so.