Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Wikipedia Is A Dirty Slut

But maybe my subject header is not explicit enough? Possibly my all too subtle meaning was ill-conveyed. Let's try again: I am taking this opportunity to liken the Wikipedia to a common trollop - a fusty, profligate slattern ready to doff it's undergarments with unseemly haste at the slightest nod from the first passer-by, be they never so mean. Wikipedia is a harlot; a slattern; a cheap, cheap whore; sordid, tawdry, loose, low. It is the Lindsay Lohan of the interweb.

Wikipedia wouldn't have sex with you for money. It would have sex with you for a quick drag from a soggy cigarette.

But before you correctly dismiss this heavy-handed jeremiad as just another hyperbolic slanging session from a sweaty-palmed bloggist with sex on the brain and a penchant for controversy, pause a moment and consider. Wikipedia's degenerate ways are a threat to intelligent folk everywhere; and how could you, a reader of Sterne, be anything but?

The more insightful among you may have realised by now that I am a bit of a smartarse. I make no bones about this. I list the fact prominently on my resume, and have had a special name tag made up for public occasions. I'm therefore well aware not only that knowledge is power, but that it was Francis Bacon who first wrote that, and that in fact he wrote it slightly differently. And being well-versed in the most petty interpretations of cliched aphorisms, I have until recently been able to enjoy the splendid isolation associated with being one of the proud, pedantic few in possession of such trivial gems as the exact length of a cubit (originally the distance from an average man's elbow to his middle finger), the sex of Paul Revere's horse (female), and the current record holder for the smallest penis in Australia (Kyle Sandilands).

But then five years or so ago, in trounced Wikipedia. Wikipedia: where 'democratic, interactive repository of knowledge' is synonymous with 'ready to give it all up for pretty much anybody'. It used to be, in those high and far off times of the year 2000ish, that if some slope-browed mouth-breather wanted to reach up from the excrement of their daily existence and pluck a juicy treat from the tree of knowledge, they needed to go and do some research, quite possibly in a library. And if that involved learning to read, or write, or use a catalogue, or speak in words of more that one syllable, then so bloody well be it.

Sure, I enjoy the view from my ivory tower, I really do (it looks right into the girl next door's front room, and she takes a liberal approach to clothes), and it bothers me that my lofty pinnacle is being crowded out by the ramshackle apartment blocks of semi-literate ignoramii, who need only insert a poorly spelled term into the search engine twixt Wikipedia's splayed legs, and have access to a fairly concise, usually accurate approximation of the wisdom of the ages. (Some might argue that search-engines like Google did the same thing earlier, but there was always a 70% chance that instead of the information you wanted, your enquiry would turn up a polemic on Zionism or pictures of goatse, instead.)

This shared approach to scholarship? Prostituting poor Pallas on the altar of the masses? It smacks of Communism, I tell you. Boycott Wikipedia, friends. Boycott it for the pinko strumpet that it is. I know I shall maintain my stance until one of us is gone.

Or until Wikipedia stops deleting the entry for Sterne that I keep submitting for inclusion (or at the very least allows me to add the term 'boy's winkie' to the entry on Queen Victoria). Some knowledge is meant for all.

3 comments:

Zoe said...

From Wikipedia's entry on Kyle Sandilands:

In 2001, Sandilands joined pop singer Joanne on a trip to Bali to shoot her video for her hit single So Damn Fine. He was to appear in speedos in the video but rumour had it that he then changed his mind last minute and only appeared for 3 seconds in the video.

The rest of the entry should encourage you that we pointy heads have nothing to fear from the txtcrzy h8r generation

Tim said...

I like it when there's a political stoush going on in a comments thread and people start throwing Wiki URLs at one another. It's allowed people to further refine the art of online arguing so that it now solely consists of splitting hairs over minor details. Oh, and comparing one's opponents to the Nazis.

BTW, you might want to change the date for this post.

Tim said...

If Silas Sterne is deemed worthy, then why not us?