Relieved Papuan authorities revealed earlier today that a child belonging to a local mountain tribe had been rescued from an end almost too horrible to contemplate, and would not be forced to suffer under the righteous ministrations of irreproachable journalist and recent winner of Best In Show, Naomi Robson. Instead, young Wa Wa was protected from the rabid news hound - and, indeed, several years of playground harassment over his unfortunate name - by benevolent tribal elders, who effected the lad's rescue by means of eating him.
"We had a tip-off from airport officials that the Today Tonight team had touched down," chieftan Tok 'Gary' Ongtong admitted to Sterne, when we sought him out. "They couldn't help but notice the entourage, what with all the cameras, microphones and big suitcases full of Naomi's trademark diamante muzzles. Naturally, we were desperately afraid for the poor boy. No-one should be subject to the sort of self-serving, biased and deeply condescending media 'scrutiny' that Ms. Robson regularly dishes out, especially not a child. How could we allow one of our own to be exploited in the name of cheap, yellow-press journalism, merely to make up for everyone laughing at her Steve Irwin outfit with matching lizard? We had to hide Wa Wa, no doubt about it. And our stomachs seemed the safest place."
When asked if this was perhaps too rash a means of safeguarding the child, Ongtong replied, "Not at all. My cousin 'Smithy' Jakyang has a degree in child psychology as well as witch doctoring, and he said that exposure to tabloid media this early in life could only result in permanent mental scarring for the boy, and patronising editorials for the rest of us in the Herald Sun. And Wa Wa seemed happy enough about it - he was smiling as we lowered him into the cooking pot. Or at least I think he was. The apple in his mouth made it sort of hard to tell."
Inspired by the compassion and creativity of our tribal neighbours Sterne has decided to offer our services to shady businessmen, corrupt officials and dole cheats across Australia: should Today Tonight, A Current Affair or any similar piece of glorified infotainment intrude into your tin sheds and dingy backroom offices, we will happily prevent the exposure of your shonky dealings by devouring you. Serving suggestions will be welcomed.