A report commissioned by the newly-convened Senate Inquiry into Truth in Graffiti and Stencil Art has dismissed claims made by an unnamed graffiti artist that Surrey Hills teenager Teagan Fitzgerald, 17, "sux hard".
Inquiry chairperson Senator Reg Fishlop told Sterne that although the precise quantity and quality of Fitzgerald's sucking remains uncertain, "the report found that she does not suck 'hard', or at least not on a regular enough basis to uphold the claim made by the graffito in question."
The report's authors also criticised several other graffito, including "Rob bites it", "Kempson is a badass!!" and "Mrs Harrison eats minge".
"Clearly there is amongst the graffiti set a penchant for wild speculation, not to say exaggeration," Senator Fishlop said, "but that doesn't mean anything goes. If you are going to claim that Mrs Harrison eats minge, then you had better hope that Mrs Harrison does indeed eat minge - and regularly - or else you will be brought to account, and potentially have your Posca privileges revoked."
On a more positive note, the report did ratify claims that "Boyd luvs Tania", "Mr Young is a bakery boy", and "Phil S takes it up the arse", although Senator Fishlop pointed out that in the latter case the accompanying figural mural lacked anatomical veracity.