Some days you just want to punch Channel Nine in the cock. Like when you go to watch The Sopranos and find that they've put Comedy Inc on instead. The adventures of Tony and the gang will now - or at least will this week, providing they don't pull the show altogether - screen at the "new time" of midnight Mondays. "New time"? That's fucking bed time, dickheads. If they think I'm going to slavishly follow them around the programming grid, never knowing when, if at all, the show is going to be screened, they can think again. We who live in the age of bittorrent and reasonably-priced DVD sets need not grovel at the taloned feet of our television programmer overlords. However, that doesn't mean we should let them off the hook.
Indeed, Nine has a lot to answer for. Who could forget the infamous premiere of the fourth season of The Sopranos, when the network decided at the last minute to forego the new episodes in favour of repeating season three. Then there's its treatment of Rome (axed after two episodes), The West Wing, Gilmore Girls, Frasier, Friends, Survivor, The Late Show with David Letterman, Star Trek, and let's not forget the cricket. (No, let's not, especially when Nine is running those self-righteous "save my sport" ads calling for the support of the masses in its fight against changes to antisiphoning laws. Nine, of course, was the network that decided not to broadcast last year's Ashes series, potentially leaving cricket fans with no option but to sign up to pay tv. Fortunately SBS - which is not a member of Free TV Australia, the industry lobby behind the "save my sport" campaign - stepped in and Nine was left to watch in horror as the "most thrilling series ever" (BBC) ate into their prime time ratings.)
Nine may be the bad guy in all this but the viewing public is not without culpability. Look - just fucking look - at the legless crap that somehow gets up and runs when Nine deigns to push it: What's Good For You, 20 to 1, Family Feud, What a Year, Australia's Funniest Home Videos, a million nostalgia specials, a billion CSI franchises/rip-offs, A Current Affair, Dancing on Ice, Amazing Medical Stories, RPA, McLeod's Daughters - in fact, just about every show on the schedule deserves to be taken out the back and stuffed full of live hand grenades. And people are watching it in droves! That the majority of tv is shit is nothing new, but now we're being denied even those few nuggets of gold amidst the avalanche of leavings, and it's all the fault of ordinary Australians, you pathetic, tasteless worm-people!
By the way, it was my birthday last Thursday. I'm sure you've all noticed my new-found subtlety and grace.