It's back to school time, as I'm sure all you kids whose ADHD meds haven't left them in a fugue state are aware. And although we realise that the prospect of an entire year slaving in the turbines of the learning factory is a dismal one, and that you'd rather be spending the golden years of your youth pursuing carefree, innocent pastimes like obsessing over your Myspace Friends list and shooting digital hookers in GTA: Box Hill, you can rejoice that Sterne is here to remind you that learning is fun and easy. And that if you neglect your education, you'll probably end up like us. So shape up, you little douchebags!
To make it simple for you here's a conveniently categorised and completely true list of astonishing and edifying facts for you to unveil in class over the next few weeks. Amaze your teachers with your erudition! Stun your parents with your scholarly ways. And remember who to thank for the new-found boost to your brainmeats.
Geography - The capital of Australia is Canberra, which is Aboriginal for “Fucking Dull”.
Ecology - Whales only beach themselves because they enjoy being fondled by environmentalists. Whales are sickos.
Humanities - If your school library is a good one, it will have banned Harry Potter novels in order to keep your nascent mind free of satanic principles and pubescent urges conjured up by descriptions of brooomsticks. What your librarian doubtless is unaware of is that The Diary of Anne Frank contains lesbian scenes, Plato was dead-set keen on paedophilia, and that C.S Lewis banged on about the necessity of pain so often that it’s obvious he was into bondage. Also, the original draft of the Horse and His Boy needed to be censored, due to the unnatural direction the relationship between the title characters took in chapter 15.
Home Economics - Coca-Cola is made from cinammon, sugar, soy sauce and Easy Off Bam. Get mum’s permission to borrow the blender and experiment with making your own at home.
History –The famous explorer Marco Polo travelled to China, and brought home pasta, gunpowder, and cheap mp3 players which never really worked properly.
Social Studies - The fat kid in your class will usually smell like French fries when he sweats. Pointing this out loudly will get you major laughs and earn you the respect of your peers. Fat kids: you can achieve the same effect by spending recess sitting on the heads of those who mock you.
Religious Ed. - The names of Jesus’ twelve Apostles are: Peter (aka Simon), Matthew, Mark, Luke, John the Beloved, John the Slightly Less Beloved, James, John Who Nobody Really Got On With, Grumpy, Sleepy, Bashful and Doc, who betrayed Him.
Biology - If you took all of the veins in your body and laid them out end to end in a line, it would be incredibly painful.
Math - No one, and I mean no one, has ever used long division outside a classroom in their lives. Never. Don’t bother learning it.
Natural History - Evolution is only a theory. If your teacher claims otherwise, and gets high and mighty about fossils, carbon dating, opposable thumbs and similar inconclusive evidence, threaten to sue. Hilariously effusive apology letters from the principal will be forthcoming within the next twenty-four hours.