Thursday, April 19, 2007

Sterne Short Film Festival

Our first entry is a savage entertainment industry satire from one of Australia's rising margarine commercial directors. Don't forget to look out for the traditional Sternefest "theme" which this year is: a general lack of talent! So please, sit back and enjoy:

The Enchanted Wood (dir: Casper Van Vandercasper)

It is late 2006 and the famous Australian actor John Wood is attending a meeting at Melbourne’s GTV Nine.

Nine Exec: Thanks for coming, John. If you don’t mind I’ll get straight down to business. We’ve got a new lifestyle show planned for next year and we think you’d be the perfect host.

John Wood: I see. What’s it called?

NE: Wine Me, Dine Me. You see, we thought—

JW: Sixty-nine me.

Awkward pause.

NE: I’m sorry?

JW: Sixty-nine me.

Slightly longer, slightly more awkward pause.

NE: Er, anyway, as I was saying, it’s shaping up to be a great show. Obviously we already have a few similar shows like Getaway and Postcards but with Wine Me, Dine Me

JW: Sixty-nine me.

NE: Um, well, yes. I mean no. I mean…The bottom line is, John, we’d love to have you on board so what do you say?

JW: What was the show called again?

Executive laughs nervously.

NE : Now, John, I’ve already mentioned the show’s title several times so if we could just—

JW: My short-term memory is not what it used to be. Please, what was the title again?

NE: Um, Wine Me, er, something-something.

JW: Dine Me?

NE: Yes, that’s it. Wine Me, Dine Me.

JW: Sixty-nine me.

Awkward pause of epic proportions.

NE: John?

JW: Yes?

NE: Do you have a problem with that particular title?

JW: What title?

Executive dabs at forehead with a handkerchief.

NE (almost whispering):Wine Me

JW: Keep going.

NE (choking on the words): … … …

John Wood makes carry-on gesture.

NE: … … Dine Me.

JW: Sixty-nine me.

Executive stares at Wood in disbelief before burying his face in his hands. Wood watches quietly. Finally the executive raises his head and wipes the tears from his eyes.

NE: John?

JW: Yes?

NE: Would you like me to, uh, sixty-nine you?

Wood brushes some lint from his trousers.

JW: Well, it was standard procedure at Seven. [He stands and begins to disrobe.] Just be gentle with Sergeant Croydon. He’s a bit groggy at this time of day.

Fade to black.

1 comment:

Ampersand Duck said...

That one brought a tear to my eye.