Thursday, January 03, 2008

Village mildly surprised by savage moors murder

The sleepy Somerset village of Scruntock was last night plunged into a state of mild surprise by the news that a brutal double murder had taken place on nearby Corpse Moor.

Sergeant Barry Thistle, Scruntock's senior police officer, was reported to be "slightly flustered to his very core" when informed of the discovery of the corpses.

"Barry yawned and downed the last of his pint,” Irene Clements, barmaid at the Elephant & Shovel tavern, told reporters. "'e reckoned it were just kids - we 'ave problems with teenagers 'round here, always bein' brutally double murdered when they ought to be at school - but my Gerald said that Marjorie Baker said that Cliff Phillips who does Barry's garden when his back's not out said that it was that new couple up from London, the Speckled-Shites or whatever their bleedin' name is. Said they was done in with a fire hydrant and 'alf a gallon of rare South American frog's poison, which is a novel way to go even in these parts."

Sergeant Thistle told a press conference that at this stage he considers practically everybody in Scruntock a suspect.

"Was it Major Stonewallet, the stiff-upper-lip WW2 veteran who was known to be infuriated by the Shackled-Slythes ostentatious modern ways? Was it young Billy Logan who was, according to gossip, gettin' it off with the late Mrs Spackled-Thighs? Or was it Glenys Pillbrook, the kind-hearted yet emotionally-fragile neighbour who was fighting tooth-and-nail the Straddled-Pies' plan to turn their property into an S&M theme park called Spank World?

"Honestly, it could be anybody - even me. There were 800 murders in Great Britain last year, and at least 750 of them were committed in the greater Scruntock area. It's getting so you can barely walk out your front door without being 'orribly slain."

Sergeant Thistle was later found dead on the village green. Preliminary reports indicate that his head had been severed and inserted into his urethra in a manner that acting Sergeant Reg Teasedale described as "suspicious".


Ben.H said...

I saw the exact same program on ITV yesterday.

Cast Iron Balcony said...

I've always wondered how you'd go being a real estate agent in that "sleepy" village.