Thursday, June 26, 2008

Ask A Hyperactive Fat Kid

Dear Hyperactive Fat Kid,

On the weekend my partner and I went to the movies. I wanted to see
Monster-In-Law but he insisted we see Land of the Dead or Kung Fu Hustle. It seems like we always see the films he likes, and whenever I suggest something he complains until I give in. I love my partner, but I'd love him even more if we didn't have to see these horror and action movies all the time.


Hyperactive Fat Kid says: What? Are you out of your mind? Like, what's wrong with horror and action? Hang on. Mum! Mum! Where's the fuckin' Mars Bar Pods? Ah fuck, Jamie's eaten them all. Mum! Jamie's gone and eaten all the fuckin' Mars Bar Pods! Hang on, Marjorie, I'm on level three of Big Mutha Truckers 2. Ya got Xbox? Ah, shit. Where'd I put those Cheezels? Mum! Jamie's gone and eaten all the fuckin' Cheezels! Marjorie, you've got to step back and shit, all right? You don't want to see chick shit like Monster-In-Law. Man, I heard Land of the Dead is the sickest shit. Like, one scene you see this zombie like eating some guy's leg, and it looks real as! That reminds me: Mum! Jamie's gone and eaten all the fuckin' KFC! Mum!

Dear Hyperactive Fat Kid,

Recently I discovered some porn on the computer I share with my husband. It was nothing extreme, jus
t naked women, but all the same I am offended and distressed that he feels the need to view such material. I want to ask him about it, but I also don't want him to feel like I've been snooping. What should I do?


Hyperactive Fat Kid says: Hang on, I'm just about to kill some dude on Beat Down: Fists of Vengeance. Oh! Take that you fuck! Whoa, hold up a sec, Carolyn. Did you say porn? Have you seen this thing, right, where the chick has like a fake dick strapped on her and she puts it in the other chick? Matthew Kingston showed me on his computer last week, his brother downloaded it or something. Ah, shit. Mum! Mum! Jamie's taken my Fiddy CD! What? 50 Cent! Give it back you fuck! Carolyn, you need to step back and shit, all right? Porn is like a natural thing. Like, you should see the shit Jack Bristow brought to school on his fuckin' iRiver last week! With like one guy and ten chicks and shit. Fuck! Jamie, give me the fuckin' CD back! You don't even know his fuckin' songs, you cunt! Yeah, fuckin' "Candy Shop", but what else, you fuck? Mum!

Dear Hyperactive Fat Kid,

I'm sixteen and fairly good looking, but I'm really shy. There's a girl in my class called Sarah. I really like her, but I'm so nervous around girls, and I don't think she even knows I'm alive. I really want to ask her out, but I don't know how to go about it. What's your advice?


Hyperactive Fat Kid says: Did you fuckin' see that? Jamie - check this out. Watch me shoot this dude. Ha! See his fuckin' face explode! Sorry, Jason, just playing some Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon 2. Ya got Xbox? Je-sus! Mum! Mum! Jamie's taken the fuckin' instruction book. What? Well, how am I supposed to fuckin' figure out how to fire the stun grenade thing without the fuckin' instructions? Yeah, fuckin' genius, Mum. Jason, you need to step back and shit, and...hang on, Jason? Jason "Pigfuck" Jones? Is that you? Are you talking about Sarah Carter? "Poo-sags" Carter? Haha, you're a fuckin' dirty cunt! She's a scrag, man, a fuckin' scrag. Ah, shit, hang on a sec. Boom! Jamie, did ya see the dude's head? Like blown to fuckin' pieces. Where's the fruit 'n' nut block? Fuck it. Mum! Mum! Jamie's picking the fruit out of the fruit 'n' nut block and chuckin' it at me! Stop it ya fuckin' wanker! Mum!


This post is part of an occasional series in which old material is reposted in order to distract attention from the paucity of new material. It originally appeared on August 23, 2005, hence the dated film/video game references.


Ampersand Duck said...


hard on the eyes, and tragically so close to the bone -- the dialogue is similar to my son's (angry, overweight) best friend...

Mark Lawrence said...

paucity. Hmm. I wish I could use words like that to describe the lack of meaningful blogging going on at my place...

Maybe I'll take a leaf out of your book at rehash – sorry, re-post – some old posts that I really like. I've been meaning to revisit some of my favourites.

Nice one, btw.

Jeremy said...

I thought that seemed familiar.

Good stuff though.

helen said...

Reposting? From Sterne? Fuck! Bring it on!Mum! Boychild is hogging the computer! Oh fuck, I'm the mum...

Beth said...

I missed hyperactive fat kid! Great to see him again.

EC said...

Well it was new to me. Nearly pissed myself.

mscynic said...

There's something about you cursing, which seems so out of character, it titillates me (Oooh, I said Tit). For all I know, you could have a mouth swearier than a trucker who works part-time as a sailor, while moonlighting as a pirate and dating Anna Coren.

Very funny, you cunt!